Self Esteem Has Been Low: Relationship Advice...

Being honest, my self-esteem took a hit when my boyfriend made comments about my skin and weight five months ago. At that time, I weighed 171 lbs, and now I'm at 149.2 lbs. We nearly parted ways, but he wanted to give our relationship another shot, believing that our bond would strengthen once I relocate to be closer to him. Although we had been dating for just three months then and hadn't met in person, we were best friends before starting our romantic relationship. He thinks the long-distance aspect might be affecting our connection. For context, my boyfriend is white.

Since our trip to Disney World in August, he's been notably more affectionate. He's dedicated more time to me and has refrained from making remarks like before. However, sometimes I find it hard to know what to believe. Historically, he's shown a preference for white and Mexican women with a petite frame.

I've made significant progress in my weight loss journey since we first met in 2019. We transitioned from friends to best friends, and he eventually asked me out in December of 2022 after he had moved away. I sometimes wonder if our long-standing friendship has affected the "spark" between us. But I firmly believe that I don't need such a spark to recognize true love and envision a future with someone.

Jealousy does creep in, especially when he mentions celebrities he's seen in explicit scenes in movies. He tends to make comparisons quite often, even about people's weight. Once, I mistakenly asked him to rate me compared to his attractive boss, and the response hurt deeply. He rated her a 10 and me a 8.

Past relationships have left scars, making me feel like I'm always missing that final checkbox of being deemed "hot." And now, when he talks about our future - kids, homes, etc. - I can't help but wonder: does he genuinely find me sexually attractive then? Just to note, he's a virgin and has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I believe it's level 1 and I'm his first relationship.

Am I average-looking? What is considered beautiful? (please don't just be nice).

I apologize for the scattered thoughts. I would greatly appreciate your prayers for self-love and clarity. 💕✨