The MLB Rulebook gives umpires the authority to destroy players, and we should all be scared

As we all know, the MLB Rulebook is full of weird and archaic language that has myriad unintended consequences. My favorite example comes in Rule 5.09(b)(10), which states

“Any runner is out when… After [the runner] has acquired legal possession of a base, he runs the bases in reverse order for the purpose of confusing the defense or making a travesty of the game.”

This implies that as long as the runner sincerely doesn’t mean to bamboozle the opponents and has the utmost respect for the game, they can run the bases in whatever order their heart desires.

Today though, I came upon yet another example of the Rulebook using the English language to confounding ends. In the comment for Rule 5.04(b)(2) it states:

Umpires may grant a hitter’s request for “Time” once he is in the batter’s box, but the umpire should eliminate hitters walking out of the batter’s box without reason.

Now a reasonable person would understand this to mean that the batter is called “out” by the umpire. However, we forget though that the MLB Rulebook was not written by “reasonable people”, it was written by baseball people. As far as I can tell, the word "eliminate” is only used 4 times total in the entire rule book, and it's never used synonymously with "calling someone out". The other uses refer to ending certain practices regarding pinch runners (Rule 5.10(e) Comment) and undoing calls upon appeal (Rule 8.02(c) and its comment). The latter three uses of “eliminate” establish that when the MLB Rulebook says that something is “eliminated”, it is gone forever like it never existed in the first place.

Therefore, I can only conclude that when an umpire decides that a player has left the batter’s box for no good and justifiable reason, the umpire may – nay should! – wipe them from the face of Zack Godley’s green earth. Not to merely kill them, but to write the batter’s existence out of reality as if they were never here to begin with.

Now, the rulebook does not describe by what means this elimination should occur, so one may be tempted to try their luck in case the ump can’t physically and/or existentially destroy them. However, I believe that when umpire Ron “Mea” Kulpa declared “I can do anything I want”, he meant it as a warning, referring to his and his fellow umpires’ apparent god-like powers.

In conclusion, stay in the box.