does sex feel selfish?

as an ace that found out i was demi later, no one ever really moved me enough to want to sleep with them. there never was a safety enough for me to develop any kind of sexual feelings for someone.

ofc i was romantic, enjoyed hugs and kisses but sex just felt something far out of reach. whenever i got a crush on someone the most i would wanna do is make out with them and cuddle, nothing involving genitalia, not out of disgust or anything, just because it never crossed my mind.

self pleasure is the only form of pleasure i enjoy. to me sex is “i please you and you please me” and not “i please myself using you and you please yourself using me” if that makes sense?

that is why i think i might be ace (?) trusting someone enough to open myself to them pleasing me is hard for me, so i subconsciously gave up.

i met someone i finally felt comfortable with and i think her enthusiasm about wanting to please me helped. at the same time i started having thoughts about wanting to please her too. somewhere along the line, i think i decided if anyone would be the mother of my kids, id want this person to be it and that is when i truly started desiring herself sexually and wanting to have sex with her. it was the combined trust and wanting to please her that made me desire her. sex still isn’t focused on me though, i feel like even if i dont “get off” id still be very happy because im pleasing her and if she gets pregnant i would be happy about it.

although, i still like to “get off” on my own while thinking about her because im afraid if i “got off” while having sex it would constitute as me using her and that makes me turned off.

i think it comes down to me thinking sex to normal people is selfish? i cannot live with myself ever using someone so to use someone to sexually gratify myself feels wrong. its only when someone wants to please me and i want to please them too that sex feels feasible (given then i trust them enough)

i think the trauma of being used and looked at as an object also plays a lot into my sexuality where i dont want to wish it upon someone else.

all this to say that i want sex to feel like a selfless act but instead i feel like society makes sex to be a selfish self indulgent act.