I deserve to know who I can trust.

Hello everyone. I've never been assaulted in my childhood.. that I know of. Today I saw an old picture of myself. I asked my mother how old I was, and she told me we were on a mountain vacation. I remember a lot about that vacation so I thought I was way older but she told me I was about 3 or 4yo. Five maybe? She doesn't think so. Now. I vividly remember going up the stairs and into my room and closing my eyes while imagining someone tiying me up and touching me, I was really aroused. Right around that time I cried when I saw two people kissing on TV and told my mother "I was sorry I did a bad thing". Right around that time I used to draw a lot of underground tunnels where a princess was tied up and a prince had to find her and they had some sort of sexual activity and I masturbated drawing them, then hid them. I also remember going in my aunt room when visiting her, we watched TV and did a tickle game where I had to stay still as she tickled me gently. I remember getting aroused from that, not necessarily because it was her intention, I doubt it.

Just.. I always believed I was aslt least 6 or 7 and it seemed more realistic paired with a context of no abuse, I read a lot, even things I wasn't supposed to, from the age of four or five. I had a whole lot of imagination. That being said, the situation now it's objectively concerning.

I developed from 5yo so many problems I still deal with now.

The worst thing is not knowing WHO did something. My grandfather Is rumoured had a taste in girls, my aunt is part of my memories, my dad is a really complicated and closed off person, my mother loves me so much and would have removed from her brain everything that would prove her to be incompetent, subconsciously. My parents friends, colleagues, teachers, strangers.. it's not a given that I'll remember who it was, if anything happened. The worst thing is not being able to trust anyone in my small family anymore.

(I have a therapist who can do EMDR, I currently can't afford to go, but at least I know I'll have the option.)

Would discovering things break me for good?

Thank you.