just need someone to talk to

tw: suicidal ideation

ive felt so depressed for several months bc i keep seeing other lesbians experience young and genuine love and it makes me so jealous. im genuinely so scared to die alone or that i might be unlovable and i wish i could experience the cheesy love seen in movies. im young (18) and ik i have a lot of years ahead of me but i have this lingering fear that ill never be able to experience genuine, reciprocal love bc of the conditional relationships i grew up w as a child and i would rather end it all than keep on living a life without that love. any support or advice on how to navigate this and deal w suicidal thoughts would be appreciated