I put too much of my life into dance

I've spent nearly a decade of my life dancing. I was so committed. Some semesters I was taking classes or in rehearsals for 15 hours a week ontop of my academic classes and my part time job. I took intensives with the dance day spanning 9-6. I was dancing at a pre professional level. With apprenticeship always being dangled just out of reach by artistic directors.

I did everything I could to reach that professional level even if just for one season. Yes it would be unpaid but wow my childhood fantasies would come true.

Too bad, I'm disabled. I have bipolar, ADHD and who cares what else. Life was hell and frankly still is. I got denied my place because of my disabilities but it was put into softer words. I admit I didn't always show up to classes but I had accomodations in place that allowed me to miss more than the average student. I would make up class when I could and write research papers to make up for any additional missed classes.

And then I graduated. No way was I was going to pursue a professional career now. Not when it takes a year unpaid apprenticeship before you see a dime.

so I went on to teach for a year. I taught kids 2-18. I had them all. Jazz, hip hop, ballet. Multiple levels, multiple lesson plans. I had to choreograph 11 dances for spring showcases. I loved and hated it. I felt so inadequate teaching and it was so many unpaid hours but i loved spreading that dedication and passion I had for dance to others.

Why did I put so much time into dance? I wish I knew I would have never gone professional. Maybe I would have had a different mindset around dance and made it more enjoyable. I was always so comparative and competitive. I always wanted to be the best I possible could do I could prove myself to Melody and Crescendo, my instructors/mentors/artistic directors. Maybe I wouldn't have spent so much money on classes. Maybe I would have gotten better grades where it mattered. Maybe I could have just enjoyed myself.

Now I'm sitting here out of shape several months of taking a full time marketing position. Barely able to make it through one ballet class. Ugh there's so much I wish I did differently. But Im glad I had dance. It was the only thing keeping me alive at one point but I wish I didn't dedicate so much time to proving myself to others instead of focused on myself and my growth. Dancing just to dance. Dancing for release.

I yearn to dance like that.