I'll be dead soon and I'm happy

I'm killing myself tonight and I feel good. I will be with my grandpa he loved me. My mom never liked me and will finally be happy. The only person I am truly sorry for is my little brother. I don't want him to end up like me, his coward sister. As everything closes in I feel like if one person for once loved me for real I wouldn't be here staring at pills. So this is it, 16 years wasted.

-This is a little update I guess, I'm alive. I didn't go through with my plan and got rid of everything that was apart of it. Tomorrow I'm gonna tell my therapist everything. Thank you, thank you so fucking much truly. I would be dead if it wasn't for you all. This post felt like a last resort like a final thing to do before taking my life. I was so stunned that people who don't know me were willing to share they're stories and offered love and support, it doesn't feel real. I'm ok and I feel hopeful thanks to all of you.

-End of the day note, I'm still here. I was very overwhelmed with everything to truly process everything, I don't think I have fully but more so now. To everyone who took the time to type and send a DM just know I have seen it, I know I haven't been responding but I just can't find the words to express my gratitude. I was really on the verge of taking my life, I had planned it out I was just waiting for one reason to go through with it and only posted just to get it out there, to tell someone of my plan. I gave out my reasons to leave and you guys gave hundreds to stay. Like I said I will talk with my therapist and tell her everything and show her this post then go from there as I don't think I should make any decisions right now. You have showed me people are still good in this world and much more.

-Final note, I am unsure of how things will play out. In my state inpatient is not a option as it's a even if you have a gun to your head they'll take it and release you a hour later, I wouldn't be a priority. ( I know that sounds unreal but i swear if you pinky promise you won't they'll let you go) I feel ok I guess? My therapist is gonna check in with me more. I told a trusted teacher and she said if I needed help with anything, she'll do so no questions asked. I will say I really want to graduate now more then ever and go to college as my school counselor said with my grades and other things college will be cheap to no cost. So, all and all you guys saved my life, I owe all of you a hug. I will live out of spite. My brother is worth more then anything, he'll have his issues but a dead sister won't be one. I know this isn't a slam dunk everything is fine now but It's ok for now.