herpes at 18 years old.

I (f18) was with an older man before my 18th birthday, and stupidly had unprotected sex with him a few times. I mean, fuck, what do I even say? It's my biggest regret. I know I need to take responsibility for my actions, but I can't help but childishly scream it's not fair. I was supposed to start college in a big East Coast city in the fall, I felt free in a new city for the first time, and his attention made me me feel like an adult.

The worst part is, it wasn't even good. It was painful, and he smelled horrible, it's like my body was trying to get away from him. But I kept seeing him because it was validating to finally be treated like a woman.

A week after my 18th birthday, I was in so much pain down there, but I thought it was just normal pain from losing my virginity --- I had asked him multiple times before hooking up to confirm he was clear of STDs (I'm not a complete idiot, I was at least partially awake during Sex Ed lol) and he swore up and down it was fine.

Another week passed, and my doctor confirmed it - genital herpes (HSV-1). I cried in his office, I told my doctor the whole story, he assured me it wasn't my fault and I was taken advantage of by a 30 year old man who was well aware I was still 17. Still, I don't believe him. The age of consent is even lower in other places, I feel this is my fault. I should've just said no.

I don't care what you say, that man ruined my fucking life. I don't care if he "didn't know" about being HSV+, I don't care it was an accident. I don't forgive him and I want his life ruined, too. I don't even know where to begin, though.

This fall semester, I have never struggled so much. I spend hours crying, if I think of the situation and that...that man, I feel like throwing up. I'll curl up into a ball and start shaking. On top of that, adjusting to college classes and a hard engineering degree has made me almost break.

Since being diagnosed, I have told 4 guys I'm interested in (it's been about half a year). 2/4 were casual hookups, way older than me, in their 40s, and did not care and did not catch it (well, maybe their sex drives were overrunning rationality lol). 1 guy was younger and also very open to learning. And the last guy was extremely angry at me for not telling him sooner. We had kissed and did not hook up, but he angrily said I should've told him before we kissed, despite me clearly saying I did NOT have it orally.

The future isn't completely bleak. I'm 18, and I have big dreams, and I'm young and sorta pretty and the right amount of strange. But god, I can't lie, in such a short amount of time my life has spiraled out of control. Everything is worse now, but that's what growing up is.

P.S. if u have any questions about HSV feel free to ask. it's an odd virus, and devastatingly common, but the stigma is crazy. id love to do my part.

EDIT: just re-read this and whew it reads a little dramatically ("that's what growing up is" - eek...) haha