Depressed at 16 and I'm going to die soon

I'm going through something now, I don't know if it's depression or not

I was a fun kid when I was younger, but now I'm a teenager, I've completely changed from who I used to be, yes I've become calmer and smarter but... I think the situation has become unbearable I was bullied when I was 10-11 years old, it was hard and it still affects me even though I got over it and I don't feel bad about it but when I entered adolescence, my happiness started to decline, I didn't enjoy what I used to enjoy, I became lazier and felt helpless all the time.

When I changed my religion from Islam to atheism at the age of 15 and since my family is religious I can't reveal that also the society I live in is religious and conservative I can't express my opinion about religion otherwise I might be isolated from society and lose all my rights and the funny thing is that women and girls in my community only date Muslims so I can't even tell my girlfriend that I'm not Muslim if they agree to date me in the first place

On a normal day I laugh with many people and smile with them and crack jokes here and there but that's just a cover for my reality that I suffer from inside I want to feel love from a girl or at least a nice warm hug I was born in a backward third world country and religion has a big place and I have always hated this lifestyle and realizing that I am wasting my teenage years might kill me I hate the fact that I will not experience teenage love anytime soon or maybe ever the fact that I will live a lifestyle that I hate

I am currently suffering from some symptoms of bone cancer and lymphoma the pain is getting worse day by day and I am just standing there helpless I am just a 16 year old boy just a boy I might not get The chance to be 20 years old I am the youngest in my class and among my friends and The fact that they will live longer than I will and will pass 20 naturally while I will end up in a coffin terrifies me. I am happy for them, but what about me? I will die without achieving any dream I will die a virgin without experiencing a love relationship

I didn't go to the doctor, the pain is very bad but I don't want to do anything because I don't want to lose a part of my body in the treatment (this is what happens during bone cancer treatment) Death might be better than living without all my limbs. I started losing my appetite, it was noticeable today, I didn't eat breakfast or dinner even though I was in high school and I was very tired today and my parents will notice it and I don't want that I hope to have a good life somewhere else I want to leave the country at the age of 17 because if I continue any longer I will lose my mind and I am afraid that I will die without getting out of it

Today the pain was terrible and It gets worse and worse as time goes by