My mom threw away my boyfriend’s ashes

I don't know how to even start. I'm a 29 year old woman. My boyfriend of 5 years passed in a car accident in November of 2022. He died on his way to propose to me. He was cut off by another driver on the highway and his car flipped. He died later in the hospital. When I found out he was going to propose and was on his way to me I felt the most guilt I've ever felt in my entire life. It was the worst pain I've ever felt.

My mother threw his ashes away two days ago when she house sat for me. I noticed them missing immediately and she denied it for all that time until today. I tore my apartment apart searching for his ashes. I cried, screamed, broke things searching and felt the loss all over again. My mom confessed to me a few hours ago that she tossed them because I need to get over him already. She said the best thing for me to do to get over the loss is to get rid of traces of him like she did my dad. She said as a mother she was sick of seeing me cry and wants me to get better. My dad died when I was too young to remember him and she doesn't talk about him. She handles her loss like he never existed. That is not what I was going to do. I never would've thrown away his ashes. If I wasn't exhausted from crying and tearing my place apart I think I would've put her in the hospital.

It's setting in again that my husband is never coming back. She threw his ashes away. I want the pain to be over already. It hurts so bad. His ashes were mine. It was my last physical piece of him. I can't put my pain into words. I'm still so deeply in love with him and he's gone. My last physical piece of him was thrown away. I was going to marry him. He was my soulmate. I'll never love again and I'll never forgive her. I blocked and deleted her number. I've been blocking every family member that's been trying to talk to me about it. I want him to comfort me but he isn't here. I need him to help me through this pain. I just had to get this out somewhere. I wanted comfort but now that I wrote it all out I don't know if I'll read anything. I just needed to talk even if it's talking to myself.

Edit: I told myself I wouldn't read the comments but I felt so lonely and have been crying on and off ever since I posted. I didn't expect anyone to comment or see this but I prayed that at least one person would've left me a kind message. I can't thank any of you enough. I'll be calling about the trash to try and get him back. I don't know if it will work but I can't help but get my hopes up. I'm desperate to have his ashes back. My mother and I will never be speaking again. I had a grief counselor a few months after his death but I had stopped attending because it wasn't working. I'll try again someday, just not soon. I know that I need it.

I never knew that I could feel this type of pain. I grew up around lots of death but nothing has ever affected me this way before. I think of him as my husband and always will. We called each other husband and wife about a year before his passing. We were saving up money to get married around that time. To us, we were already there. I have my engagement ring and still wear it every day. In my mind it's a wedding ring. We were the couple you would barf at on the street because we were so stupidly in love. We would laugh about anything and everything. Even our worst days were filled with laughter because we had each other.

I know that it's extreme to say that I'll never love again, but I can't and I won't. My love for him grows every day despite him being gone. I always knew how much I loved him then, but it's strange that once he was gone I loved him so much more. It was like my eyes opened to how good I had it. I never took him for granted before but I wish I did more when he was here. I have many regrets about the things I didn't do because I thought we had an infinite amount of time. Please, make the most out the of time with your loved ones. You never know when someone will unexpectedly pass. Do something the two of you will cherish forever in your memories.

Again, I can't thank any of you enough. I wish I could take all of your words and have them in letter form to read on a rainy day.