I wish i had the courage.

I am at my lowest. I want to die so fucking bad it's all I think about, yet I am a coward. I am too scared. I keep reading stories of failed attempts that leave people brain dead or permanently disabled and i don't want that. I want it all to end. Painlessly. Immediately. I don't want to live as even more of a husk of myself than what I am now.

I lost my job on 12-29. Had a new job lined up then got pneumonia and since i wasn't able to get out of bed to go do the drug screen, they rescinded their job offer. Have been applying to places like crazy and not a single one has called me back. I'm now racking up bills and am negative by over $100 in my bank account with more bills coming out soon. I feel like a fuckin failure. I'm drowning and can't get out.

I have multiple autoimmune disorders and back problems, not to mention bipolar disorder.. I'm about to be 27 and I still have to ask my family constantly to help me. I can't stand on my own footing. I can't do this anymore but I'm so scared and weak. I want to die so fucking bad I just can't bring myself to do it. Maybe if I'm not sober? I don't know. I need out I need out of this life. I need out of this torture.