i hate being told i’ve made so much progress

It pains me to hear that when i feel the worst i ever felt throughout my entire life. i have regressed back into my old habits such as self harm and eating disorders. i have had more breakdowns than ive ever had before. my mother was looking a mental hospital for me to go to but there wasn’t any close enough near me and we don’t have the money or family situation for me to do so. i have a suicide plan. no one sees how much it hurts, how severely i feel, and the depth it goes. i’m not asking for help i just need to be heard.