St. Louis Snow: Chapter Two

As I sit here eating some gooey butter cake and sipping tea for breakfast watching the snow fall I felt this would be a good time to review some important information and tips we all could use on this snowy Friday in the Lou.

  • Your kids have been home for a whole week! OMG! This calls for heading to FB and NextDoor immediately and attacking teachers, school districts, really anyone at this point! How dare those lazy bastards sit home while YOU have to deal with YOUR kids. Isn't your tax money going to pay for free babysitting services courtesy of the schools? Lazy teachers!!!
  • Once you fire that off, now it's time to attack MODOT again. This time you need to up it a level, Karen. Underpaid, overworked and short staffed, but remember you know far better than they do how to clear roads and streets using extremely heavy machinery despite the fact you drive an exploding Tesla. Blame it on the workers, the management - EVERYONE - except the people who constantly cut their budget - your friends in Jeff City who you constantly elect.
  • It snowed TWICE in one week - this PROVES beyond a SHADOW of a DOUBT that climate change is fake news. Be sure to take your GED diploma and expertise and post everywhere how it's been so cold and snowy and Nobel prize winning scientists are wrong and you are right.
  • GOOD NEWS! This gives you the excuse you've been waiting for to buy a snowblower! Now is the time, especially since your kids have been driving you nuts all week, to approach your wife/husband/side piece/gay lover (yes, Chance, we know about him) and say you guys NEED a snow blower! It doesn't matter your driveway is the size of a postage stamp and can barely fit one car in it - no sir, you need one! Ace Hardware should be on speed dial. GO! GO! GO!
  • IMPORTANT REMINDER: I hate to have to say this again, but some people just don't listen around here. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO PHONE ANY BUSINESS TO DETERMINE THEIR STATUS. Just post non-stop about how you need to know if "Al's Shoe Store & Butter Barn" is open today or not. If nobody knows, immediately go to Google and post a review about how they never are open (despite the fact Al has been at his store since 5AM making butter).
  • The roads are still dangerous from the last snow, and now we have fresh snow falling on them. This means that all speed limits are rescinded. Pedal to the metal, boys!
  • What's OUT: French Toast Parties; What's IN: T-Rav & Wine Ragers
  • Finally, remember to post those MODOT travel maps! Yes, the thing EVERYONE has access to and never mind the fact they are out of date when everyone sees them 3 hours from now, that doesn't matter. What matters is you can show off your copy and paste skills!