My sister is in jail

My sister is in jail for harming her infant son during a psychotic episode when she was off of her medication. She has lost custody and now faces lifelong probation…

My parents are being supportive and loving of her, sending her letters, doing video calls etc.l until she is released. But I don’t know what to say. I love her, and I feel also like the past decade of 911 calls, the disappearances, the constant chaos and fear has been incredibly traumatic in my own life and I just can’t do it anymore.

When I call her she wants to talk about her spiritual life and dreams, asks me about these things in my life. I don’t want to talk about my inner experiences with her. I see her illness and I don’t know how to engage — maybe because I’m frightened of what it brings out in me.

Am I a monster for not wanting to hurt for her anymore? For most of my 20s I was an anxious wreck trying to take care of her and my family while sorting through my own depression. I feel my heart growing cold towards her. I don’t want that. It’s so hard to love someone with this disease. Hard to know what to say or do.