What do I even do?

I really, really, really tried for math. I can’t stop crying. When the teacher said stop writing and I was getting ready for them to collect the scripts, I it really set in DEEP that that was it. Literally my future. Like literally affects everything from now on. I know I might sound dramatic but I really feel like my life is over. As in, my dreams are over.

I’ll have to live with the shame of not doing well the first chance I got. And there’s so many factors contributing to this feeling right now. For one thing, my parents have always been the super encouraging type. They’ve never ever scolded me for my grades, and they said they’ll always be proud of me either way. And that makes me feel worse. My dad doesn’t earn as much as my mom but he’s been working overtime like everyday for our long trip to Europe this December to celebrate my end of o levels and my younger sister’s end of psle. Plus my parents spend SO MUCH on tuition, it feels like all of that just went down the drain.

I’m not even trying to blame anyone. Not seab or Cambridge, not even myself. Because frankly, all the qns were familiar and I’ve seen before (paper 2, paper 1 was a different story). And I completed my math TYS over and over again that I lost count of how many times I did some papers. I know I tried my best, but it’s so depressing to know that my best isn’t good enough.

And I’m not even stupid or lazy, I just struggle so bad with math. In like the whole 4 years in sec school I think I’ve only passed like 3 or 4 times. I just don’t know why I can’t get it, and I feel so hopeless. I really wanted to to TJC arts but know I’m not sure if I can go anywhere. And I’ve hardly heard any stories of people who expected bad results for math but ended up getting higher than what they thought. It’s just not fair. My brain just isn’t wired for math or something.

And I can’t deal with the shame, I really can’t. I have a cousin who was in the same school as me, and he was in NA stream and managed to get 5 distinctions and PFP (n level), and I can just imagine next year when we have a family gathering my relatives are gonna be like “how did the NA student do better than the express?” Because they’re toxic like that.

I really, really am so hopeless.