parent keeps taking money from me

tw: mild self deprication, swearing

throwaway account to rant.

i had my moment of peace where i was being distracted from a form of pain that i have been enduring for years already.

man, i cant seem to save money. and when i do try, my father decides to take a portion of it. i usually think that its for something urgent like car repairs, rent (else he is unable to work), house bills, phone bills and important stuff like that. but i cant get the thought of it being used for shit like smoking or gambling out of my head.

at first it was just 50 or 100 dollars. i was already as broke as i could be in secondary school. i only had less than $50 in my savings at most. times where i would start saving for months, he starts asking again. when i started ite, i only ate the cheapest meal i could find, some noodles that were 2.80 (now $3). i ate those almost every day just to save as much of my allowance as possible. some days i wouldnt even eat, i would just sitting the library or in class to distract myself from starvation.

ever since i got my brusary and scholarship award money in 2023, my father stepped up on borrowing money. it wasnt 50 or 100 anymore. it was 250-500. i have lost count on how much i have given him without any of them being returned to me. at most i could remember is that i have lost $1.1k of my savings to him this year alone; maybe more including previous years. im left with $500 in my bank account right now. i was going to use that for my plans next year. i was looking forward to it for this entire year. i cant even afford the things for it at this rate. its simply not enough to start working on my dream. my course is already money consuming as it is. but it teaches me something i need for my dream job. at this point, i feel like i should give up on it... why? why did i agree to give him that much money i was saving up for next year, why? why? why?? i cant even feel anger anymore, just pure sadness. no, i dont even feel sad. im just crying in devastation. i just feel broken once more.

(i could never get a job as im always busy. my schedule was always messed up, teachers planning make-up lessons the day before the make-up lessons, printing needed to be done over the weekend, homework... etc. my holidays were short lived too, i had to plan my projects, do my projects, study, print, go back to school for commercial projects..)

this is the last straw. i always thought my father was working himself to death just to provide for us, hence why i never questioned when he was unable to give us our weekly allowance for school; nowadays he just doesnt give it to us with any form of reason. as i said, i was a broke ass kid in secondary school. whenever someone wishes to eat with me, i always ask how much money they have, hoping i could get a meal and pay it back whenever i had the cash. i went way too far and took her for granted i guess. i went broke again when i lost her (a close friend) trust that day, she was someone who would treat me to food because i always had no money. she didnt ask me to pay her back. i returned all her money to her and went flat broke due to a personal argument.

i just want to beat myself up and die already. i feel like im just a fucking piggy bank. doing the best i fucking can to get by as well. my dream is the only thing keeping me alive right now. the reason why i have been so happy is because i finally found my purpose in life after 18 years. but now, i just feel like its drifting further and further away from me.