Grief rant

I really need to vent… Last month my grandma passed away, i was in completely shock that I literally ran outside of my building with no shoes on just to finish being on a call with my aunt and immediately call my mom about it. The same minute, I booked a flight and flew out of the country to say goodbye to my grandma. Everyone in my family had this tradition of always coming to say hi and goodbye every time we would be in El Salvador. Last time I went to my country, when me and my brother was saying goodbye to her, she hold our hands and told us to promise her that in case she dies, we would come to her funeral to see her and say goodbye to her. The minute the plane landed, i started shaking and the sadness started kicking in. When i arrived to my house and changed to all black funeral clothes, i felt completely numb. The minute I stepped a foot in her house, i still expected her to see her in her favorite rocking chair and her bed and greeting. But instead i walked into a house full of flowers and her inside a coffin. I was so pale and shaky and didn’t want to walk to her coffin and see her for the last time because I didn’t wanted to admit that she was gone. And then idk how, i was able to walk to her coffin and see her. And the minute i saw her, i felt so broken and numb at the same. The day that I was coning back to NY, I broke down and after that I had not be able to cry or grief until today. Today (yesterday nov.8) marks 1 month of her being gone and I was doing fine i would say but not really. Then around 10pm, i go on Facebook and then i see posts about one of my childhood friends being dead. I immediately call my cousin who lives in el Salvador to ask her what’s going on and she told that our childhood friend (who’s also a long distance cousin) has unfortunately passed away. So I literally hit my breaking point, and went for a drive with my roommate to rent and cry etc..but idk what else to do, i have midterms next week and i feel like im losing my shit. I have always pushed my feelings or grief aside but i feel now i cant escape, i feel sick, i am angry and sad and i feel lost. Im having this anxiety bc of that she died a month apart from my grandma, someone new might die in a month from today. And lowkey i hate feelings all of this specially bc of school and midterms and finals coming up, idk what to do. I want to literally feel numb, idk i just wanna be able to not feel any of this. Idk i needed to rant bc im trying really hard not to let all of this affect me nor my grades but i feel like it’s impossible. So if you have any ways to deal with grief, that would really help 😭