25M who is jealous of girlfriend's best-friend

I (25M) am a timid, insecure, not so good-looking piece of shit but somehow this really beautiful and nice girl fell for me and we have been in relationship for around 6 years. We have always been in a long-distance relationship. I have been a really bad boyfriend for most of our relationship. I have made her cry a number of times in the past (I deeply regret it).

I used to drink alcohol, chew tobacco, smoke cigarettes, and what not, she had asked me to quit a number of times but I never paid her any heed (I don't do any of those anymore). But she still stayed with me.

I have also forced myself on her quite a few times (I know, I should be behind bars). I have even told her that I had forced myself on two other women (I am so glad they didn't complain about me) and that I had kissed a man in the past. Honestly I really don't know why is she still with me.

I have told her that I am scared shit of society, my relatives and my parents and that I would never be able to marry her but still she stayed with me.

2 years ago I met with a terrible accident, almost lost my life. My brother told me that I was calling her name when I was in the hospital (I don't remember it). She also prayed a lot for my health. After hearing all this felt really terrible for being so bad to her and thought it was best for her if we just broke up, so I did that. When we met the first time after the break up, I thought she would slap me and I was ready for it but instead she was really nice to me, we cuddled, kissed and got back with each other (I really think it was weird).

Also I am really really weird and I had not told about our relationship to any body for around 4 years (yes) it was only after the accident when I was calling her name that my friends came to know about her. Even after that I still denied being in relationship with her for a few months.

Our personalities are also very different. She is outgoing, loves to travel, try new things, while I am a socially anxious individual who doesn't even like to leave his room. Our interest are also very different so when we are together we don't talk much. She just scrolls through her phone and I just try to think of something to talk about that won't make me appear desperate.

Maybe it's because of all these things that I am really insecure. I mean she is so beautiful and nice that she can easily find someone 10 times better than me. I am always worried about her leaving me.

Some months ago my brother told me that he had gone through her chats and found message where she confessed her love to some other boy (I know, serious breach of privacy). When I confronted her about this, she told me that it was her friend who had sent those messages to her boyfriend. I did not question her further because there was no way for me to find out if she was lying or not and if she confessed that it was actually her who sent those messages then it would break me, so I left it at that.

We had gone for a vacation together a few days ago, there she told me about her best-friend and how nice and caring and good-hearted he is and I was really really jealous. She told me that he had organized a grand party for her birthday and even his girl-friend had pointed out that he hadn't done this much even on her birthday and this made me further jealous. She told me that they were just friends and that she had made it clear to him that she was not looking for a partner and that he never tried anything funny but man I can't bring myself to belive this. She showed me some of her photos with him and they seem so close. This thing is killing me. She called him in front of me and kept the phone on speaker and was okay with me listening to what they were talking about (I was not eavesdropping, she brought the phone close to my ear). This is all good but sometime ago when I was taking to her over the phone, her best friend was calling her so she took him on a conference call with us. She asked him about some books and notes for study. I was silent because I have a really hard time talking to strangers. They were having this conversation and suddenly her best friend asked her to video call her. She told him no and that I was on the call and then he hung up. And this thing has been haunting me ever since. Now maybe it's because I don't have many female friends (or friends in general) but I have never asked anybody to video call me nor have I seen any of my other friends ask their female friends for video calls.

She has never shown excitement for my birthday nor gifted me anything but she has made all these plans for his birthday and bought a gift also. I feel pathetic for feeling so insecure but that's just who I am. I don't have the courage to confront her about this nor do I have the courage to break up with her.

She also has a different ringtone set for his calls and that also bothers me (I know, I am pathetic).

She also told me that her best-friend is just like me, whatever she wants he brings it for her. I complete her wishes because I love her, why the fuck does he do whatever she wishes?

I call her everyday without fail but many times she doesn't answer nor does she call me back. Most of the time that she calls me it is to ask for money and honestly, I am okay with it. Her being with me is enough for me but I am really not okay with feeling this shitty fear of losing her all the time.

I just hope she breaks up with me soon and frees me from this shitty feelings that I am having and honestly it's good for her too, considering the piece of shit that I am.

TL; DR It's just a rant about me being jealous about my girlfriend's best friend.