Postpartum depression, anxiety, sleep deprivation or all three???

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible: I’m 36 two kids (4yo&3mo) , happily married.

First baby- horrendous first year (reflux,CMPA, oral dysfunction, premature). I suffered with what everyone thought was PN depression (took the tablets but wow, I got the rarest, severe side effects!) but turns out I was clinically exhausted from no sleep, little calories but still pumping around the clock to feed the baby. I can’t remember when things got better but I think it was around weaning time when my son’s reflux got a bit better.

Second baby now 3 months- makes first baby seem a breeze! (Reflux, CMPA, oral dysfunction, premature!) I had vasa previa which meant I had to have him early and be admitted for five weeks prior to the birth. Had a week in hospital with him as he caught an infection and had feeding difficulties. Came out, got breast abscess and was bed ridden for a fortnight as I then caught scarlet fever!

Baby no 2- he cries a lot! It’s awful. He’s an awful feeder. It takes an hour per bottle and due to poor weight gain we are 3 months in and still feeding three hourly! It’s awful! Not looking for advice here, trust me I have tried it all!

Sleep- Don’t think I’ve really slept well since I got admitted. But wow I am sleep deprived! I’m lucky if I get 5 hours per night. I sometimes manage a nap for an hour in the day. I have always needed good sleep to function. I am NOT A MORNING PERSON.

But since this baby, each morning I wake in full blown panic mode. I have a gut wrenching feeling of anxiety that sometimes makes it really difficult to get up and out of bed. I try the 3,3,3 thing, giving myself a count down etc. but when it’s bad, it’s bad and the feeling lasts a while. During this time, I just want to die! I would give up in an instant! By noon I feel a little better. But by evening, I’m a different person. I’m happy, feel like I can do this! I try to think of healthy routines for the morning etc. but then morning hits, and I’m back to square one. I cry all morning. I am just devastated that this is my life. I feel like I’ve made an awful mistake that I can’t undo. I feel like I’ve ruined everyone’s life, including my four year old.

My friends think I have PN d or a. But my husband and mum think I’m just ridiculously sleep deprived.

I don’t have all of the traditional symptoms of PN (thanks Google) as I still find happiness in the things I used to etc. but that is begining to slip away I won’t lie.

Don’t get me wrong though, I hate each day. I cry most days. But I do believe it’s situational, because my baby is a blooming nightmare. My husband is struggling but does hold it all together whilst working a stressful job. My mum helps out a bit but still works full time. A few of my friends help me with my 4yo. I’m so lonely but don’t want to be around anyone. I want to get a routine but I don’t have the mental or physical energy. I am starving but no appetite.

Recently I’ve been thinking should I just chuck myself down the stairs so I can go to hospital to just get a few days sleep. I feel like an absolute burden. I want my old life back so bad.

I have bonded with my baby, I love him. But today I did feel postpartum rage and it sounds awful but I almost understood for a moment how people can end up shaking their babies.

I’m Honest, about it all. I talk to my Friends and family about how I feel.

Has anyone experienced similar? Am I depressed or just chronically sleep deprived?

I’m terrified of medication after my previous experience. But I am DESPERATE not to feel like this daily.