I am expecting to recieve a lot of flak for this post but I really wanna learn and educate myself on this so thats why I am posting it here.

I made this exact post on another subreddit and my goal was to heat from women on this topic but mostly revived comments from men (which i appreciate) but still it felt like I was in an echo chamber. So here is another try to figure this rishta process out.

The following is a copy paste of my original post.

Note:- This is not my attempt to get any proposals.

Hi Everyone,

Let me just start by saying that I’m here to learn and understand. I’ve always been a hopless romantic and wanted to find my wife and fall in love and all. But from recent experience here, I have come to realize that this is so much harder than I thought it would be. All that I am gonna say might sound rude but believe me thats not my intention. My point here is to point out the hypocrisy that women here often display but this is not to say men dont do the same.

I am just here to get some insights, please dont use my words to forward youe misogyny of any kind.

About Me

AI Engineer | Stable & Ambitious | France-Bound 🌍

I’m a 26-year-old AI engineer from Islamabad, working with Capgemini, a leading French AI company, and planning to move to France next year. With dual degrees in BBA and Computer Science from top universities, plus certifications in AI and Cybersecurity, I’ve built a solid career and financial foundation. I own properties in Islamabad, run a side business for passive income, and prioritize growth and stability.

I’m comfortable being the sole provider, open to whether my partner works or stays at home, and happy to cook or teach if needed. Mutual respect and understanding are what matter most to me!

This is a short version of my original post.

The Journey So Far

I’ve posted about my search for a partner twice:

• First Post: A month ago.

• Second Post: A week ago.

At the start, I thought I was ready to take the plunge, and I was quite optimistic. But, truth be told, the process has been a lot more challenging and confusing than I expected.

I also had some of my friends post here as well and therefore this is an overview of all information I have gathered from our combined experience.

Without wasting any more time, lets get into all the discrepancies I noticed:-

Confusing Religious Beliefs

So here’s where it gets tricky. Many women express that they want a partner who is religious, someone close to Allah, a practicing Muslim who follows the principles of being the provider, protector, and leader of the household. All great, and perfectly understandable.

But then, at the same time, these same women reject aspects of Islam that come with those roles. For instance:

● The idea that men are one degree above women in terms of responsibilities and authority.

● The husband's right to influence decisions like his wife’s clothing, social life, or whether she works.

● The notion that men don’t have obligations to perform house chores.

I get it. Some of these concepts are not easy to swallow. But how can they expect the provider-protector role without the responsibility that comes with it?

And here's the part that really confuses me: They seem to cherry-pick the parts of the traditional Islamic husband role they like, while dismissing the parts they don't. It’s like they want the provider, protector, and leader, but they also want no authority over their lives and equal sharing of house chores. How does this make sense?

I’m not saying I believe in controlling anyone or treating a woman unfairly. I believe in equality, where both partners have equal rights. I don’t control what my wife wears, whether she works or not. And I see polygamy as just plain cheating.

But how does it work when a woman expects you to be the traditional Islamic man, while simultaneously rejecting the very elements of the Islamic system that make that possible?

Physical Expectations

Let me tell you about another thing that bothers me. I’m a firm believer in feminism and the idea that women are so much more than their physical appearance. They deserve respect, admiration, and love regardless of how they look. I truly embody that principle.

Yet, here’s the paradox: I’ve noticed that many women who accuse men of being superficial about physical attraction end up being just as bad. Women will reduce men to their height or how buff they are.

Why is it that men get judged for their looks while women freely do the same thing?

It’s not wrong to have physical preferences, but the double standards here are clear. Why do men get criticized for the same behavior women practice openly?

Roles in the Household

This ties back to what I mentioned earlier. I don’t understand what women really bring to the table in many relationships. I’m not talking about women who want to either:

● Be stay-at-home wives, managing the household.

● Or be equal partners, running the household together.

I have immense respect for these women, no matter which path they choose.

But most women I’ve encountered seem to want it both ways. They expect:

● A husband who earns as much (or more) than their father.

● A man who pays for everything and also hires household help—maids, cooks, etc.

● All while not lifting a finger to help around the house.

So I ask, what do these women bring to the table? Your body? That’s it? You reduce yourself to just your physical appearance and ability to bear children, and that’s really sad.

Eveb that is okay by me, atleast you have an anchor on which yoi base your values i.e my only job is to look pretty and raise kids, but then why get defensive when you get judged on your looks? You yourself reduced yourself to just that.

Premarital Relationships and Second Chances

This brings me to another aspect that I don’t understand: premarital relationships.

I’ve had conversations with women who’ve openly admitted to having gone through phases that completely contradict Islamic principles. One told me about her “experimental phase” during university. Another shared how she got drunk on vodka after being dumped and so many more of such examples.

Now, I’m not here to judge anyone. Everyone has their own journey, and I’m okay with that. But how do such women expect us to be their rehabilitation centers? They’ve acted in ways that completely contradict their supposed values, yet they expect to be treated the same as someone who stayed true to their beliefs.

How can they act like they’ve repented and now deserve equal respect to someone who hasn’t strayed from their values?

To the Men Here

Here’s my question to the guys here: Do you think all of this is worth it? Knowing full well that even if you do find someone worthy of being your wife, you’ll still likely have to fight an uphill battle with her family to gain their trust and respect.

Yes, I get it. Parents have every right to make sure their daughters are making the right decisions, but let’s face it: Desi parents have a special knack for making everything toxic, especially when it comes to their daughter’s marriage.

Having to go through endless background checks, face their judgments, and meet their often sky-high demands—it’s exhausting.

End Note

I’m not writing this to blame anyone. This is just me expressing my thoughts and frustrations in an attempt to better understand the situation. I think we need to have these conversations more openly and not just let these questions linger in our heads.