Fearful of these palpitations

Dear Lovely People, Just joined and im very stressed. Some headlines:

22 years in recovery from alcohol done a lot of work on myself.

Grew up in a dangerous fearful household with both parents alcoholics, my father would rage in alcoholic blackouts and be violent so I learnt two states of being, One fight or flight hypervigilant to stay alert and protected or protect other family members. He been a good dad for last 24 years though

Two, i disassociated went somewhere else internally to detach from the harsh reality of things when younger.

Developed OCD at an early age, and have dealt with this to a large degree. (therapy and various techniques)

Developed hypervigilance that stayed with me at times in adulthood as became/can become very alert late at night as was the needed pattern of childhood and teenage years to stay as safe as possible.

Have done quite a bit of work in ACA “adult children of alcoholics and disfunctionla families” over the last 2 years healing the inner child and teenager etc and learning to lovingly parent myself with God, (my HP) great fellowship!

So basically i used food to numb out as a kid and have used it in adulthood also and when i get over a certain weight it activates my stomach and the vagus nerve and i literally feel it trigger the ectopics!!

I can then literally have them every other heartbeat it's awful!

Told heart is structurally fine so i tend to diet and gently start doing cardio and over time they go again as i lose some weight and gently excersise.

When i did my inner child work in ACA i greived and processed a lot of PTSD one night and cried and wailed for about an hour and it all came flooding out. As a result, even when my weight increased i didn't get the palpitations again.

However i left the trauma ACA group a while back and hit the food again got fatter and palpitations came back, i get a whooshy adrenalin feeling with them it is awful cos i think it triggers my fight or flight and makes them worse.

So basically i lost weight and they went but i have them again as been using food and gone over the weight threshold that seems to trigger them.

I think i need to go back to the support group as maybe more trauma to process and also to lose weight as its probably a combination.

But i can't tell you how traumatic this is sitting here trying to stay calm with every other heartbeat or every two beats and an ectopic palpitation.

It's like i just want to run away from myself but can't.

I have an anti anxiety medication that i take at night for sleep but even that doesn't do much just makes me worry slightly less for a few hours so im sitting up till about 4 am each night last few nighht in fear until so tired i can sleep.

Also, i used to smoke but stopped some years ago by using vape which helped, but now mainlyl just use low strength nicotine lozenges but obviously trying not to use at moment as I think nicotine may exacerbate. Then again may help me feel better so confused.

The crazy thing is I'm so scared i feel like having a f it moment and having a cigarette for some imagined comfort. I'm actually getting closer to doing this.

I guess its been rally good to share here with you all as feel alone and fearful, although acting normal around my wife and daughter.

Has anyone else had so many. I have read if the burden is less that 10 percent palpitations in 24 hrs all probably ok. If 50 percent then its not great, I'm somewhere in the middle at present, and although experience shows me this will pass and they will stop eventually in days weeks or months right now I'm terrified and feel horrible.

Much love and Blessings to all. Thanks