How many here are on antidepressants?

I was on 4 different antidepressants for 5,5 years. They worked, but i absolutely hated the side effects. They sucked so much. However i've been off for about 5 months now. Many things are better. Actually everything in my life is better, except my ocd

I feel like it's impossible to work with without antidepressants. It definitely wasn't like antidepressants just reduced the symptoms by 70%, but it definitely helped, especially because i was less anxious. Sometimes i consider starting clomipramine again (i can without consulting my doctor if I want). It worked well, plus i'm not in active addiction anymore, so they will work better

But on the other hand i just can't stand the numbness and apathy. The zero motivation, discipline and desire for everything. Just being a program. But my ocd is getting worse and worse by each week, i didn't even know it was possible