Please Help Me, I am Desperate :(

I posted this on reddit recently:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCD/comments/jd05j6/i_dont_know_what_to_do_i_need_help/

Recently, I have been obsessing/ruminating on the stuff that I described in that post. It is on my mind 24/7. I feel suicidal all the time because of it, and everyday I think about suicide all the time. I struggle to get out of bed on a lot of days because of how overwhelming the suicidal thoughts are (sometimes when I wake up I stay in bed for 3-4 hours before getting out of bed). Everyday when I try to do my uni work, I am unable to work for long periods of time because of the anxiety/suicidal thoughts which I experience, and because of this I end up having to catch up on my work later at night, so I end up going to bed at ~ 5 am every morning. My sleep schedule is awful because of this.

I find it really hard to interact with others (whether in person or online) because I always get really paranoid that I might unintentionally do something that might upset them.

I am seeing a therapist about it, and I am trying to do the 'homework tasks' he gives me every week, but I am not seeing any improvement. I am also taking medication, I have not noticed any improvement from that either.

I also tried ERP with an OCD group program a few months ago, and throughout the group program the ERP was working and I was somewhat hopeful, but the day after the program finished all of the progress I had made instantly reversed and all of the worries I had came back and I was unable to do the exposures anymore (I don't know why this happened).

I don't really see the point of anything anymore. I'm just a leech who is a burden on others and makes their lives worse. I don't contribute anything positive to society.

I often find it hard to do the homework tasks that my therapist gives me because I am constantly in a low mood and I have zero motivation. And even though I try my best to do the homework tasks, I don't really see the point of doing them, I feel like no matter how hard I try I will never get better. My worries and low mood get in the way of everything I do, and that includes all the effort I put in to try and improve my situation.

A few weeks ago, I was obsessing over the stuff I described in the post I linked, and it got particularly overwhelming on that day and I did not know what to do, and I tried to kill myself. It didn’t work (obviously) and now I am really upset because I feel like I might have to stay one this Earth and be miserable and anxious for many decades to come. Suicide felt like my last option and since that failed, I don’t know what to do.

When I am feeling super anxious/depressed/suicidal, nothing can calm me down (including the things I wrote down on the safety plan I made with my therapist). I am tempted to call/message a friend when I feel this way, but after the thing I described in the linked post, I always feel like I am a burden on others when I talk to them about this stuff.

I feel so lonely all the time, but when I talk to either, either in person or online, I constantly get anxious, and when I see the friend I discussed in the earlier post I linked (again, either in person or online), I have a really bad anxiety attack and I feel suicidal and I can’t deal with it properly. So I feel super lonely but I am too scared to talk to other people. I am pretty sure that nobody gives a fuck about me, and I don’t blame them because I truly am a fucking loser.

I just don’t want to be here anymore. The constant low moods, loneliness and anxiety I experience everyday is unbearable. I can’t take it anymore.