Feeling guilty about anger bursts
Hi there. Just thought about posting it here because I needed to vent and maybe get some words of comfort or of advice.
Starting off by saying that I do have some people in my life who care for me but I constantly get the feeling that they don't understand and will never understand what OCD does to me and how complicated it is to live daily life with it. I do think of myself as a kind and understanding person but when I'm feeling particularly overstimulated I find that I lash out on people.
Most of the times it's because I am provoked or my fears or thoughts are unvalidated. I'll try to keep it short but I grew up in an unstable household with an abusive father and had to witness things children shouldn't see. Ultimately, because I was a minor, it always felt like adults made decisions for me and I had no choice but to accept whatever was thrown my way. I was very happy to eventually move away with my mom but she ended up remarrying a guy that is more or less like my dad. I currently live with them and although I love her I cannot wait to leave. Her and I had a discussion and because I was triggered by something she said I told her I am looking forward to finishing my degree and leaving the house. I think she got hurt because of it. I was really overstimulated, but I feel so unheard at times it's really painful.
It feels like that anger I felt as a child and teenager is still within me and I'm not sure how to turn it into something productive or make something good out of it. I'm still very angry that my life turned out completely different from what little me had hoped for me. Because I feel guilty for bursting out I end up feeling extremely guilty and apologizing for saying mean things but I never see any changes in others and some other time I get hurt again (e.g. I say that one thing triggered my OCD and I'm told it's silly and it's no big deal).
I feel angry and guilty at the same time, I don't know what to do. I would appreciate your advice. Thanks in advance.
(edit: typo)