It's so hard forgiving myself

28M. 3 weeks sober

During my addiction i made so many mistakes. One thing is i destroyed my own life, that's my choice. But I was a bad friend, a bad brother and a bad son

I have apoligized for everything. I just apologized to my brother for a really big fuck up i made april last year. I'm not gonna say what I did here. He said it's okay and in the past

But i feel so bad. I can't stop crying. I want to forgive myself and move on, but a part of feel like i have to suffer, that I need to and i deserve to suffer more than this, which is probably partly because of my ocd

I'm so ashamed of myself. And i couldn't see this things in addiction, because i just took drugs to supress these emotions and i was on antidepressants for 5,5 years where I didn't have emotions. Now it's all coming at once, and it's SO overwhelming. I can't stop crying. I haven't really dealt with unplesant emotions for 7 years