am i really just not trying hard enough?

sorry in advance for how venty this will be. if i need to take this down please let me know, i just need to type this out somewhere to people that i hope can relate and also give me more accurate advice and thoughts.

im autistic as well as narcoleptic, andnhave a support worker i meet with twice a week for groceries and help working on uni work. we meet in the afternoon, and i always do my best to be on time but i often end up late, usually due to waking up very close to the meeting time. i also have chronic fatigue and am naturally very very slow to do most things. our meeting time today was at 15:30/3:30pm, at a cafe to do uni work, and while we usually drive from outside my place to wherever we need to go, 'sarah'(altered name for anonymity) is having her car serviced, so i had to walk to the cafe and meet her there.

i woke up at nearly exactly 15:30, and (i messaged her to let her know, as well as offered to cancel if i was going to be too late) took a very long time to get to our meeting. i arrived at the cafe over an hour late, at 16:40. i feel really horrible about being so late, and if i could i wouldnt have missed it. this prompted sarah to 'have a serious talk' about how late i was, and how late i frequently am to things.

i will list what was said by her: - by being late all the time, i am being disrespectful and inconsiderate of her time - i am being manipulative, because im late to meetings with her so often, but i am on time when theres appointments and time sensitive things/things i see as important to get done; this communicates to her that i dont see our meetings as important, and that i dont care. - i have become resigned to never getting better/always having bad sleep/always being late to things - im dismissive of her suggestions when she tries to help me and give me advice regarding my sleep issues, and i dont try things consistently enough for them to help - i have medication now (modafinil) to help me stay awake, and its there to help me function, so i should be using it to function better - i need to shift my sleep schedule to be earlier - i need to actually try to do better, and not resign myself to always be struggling with things - she wants to help me, but im not letting her help - i should see a specialist and/or a counsellor who can help me function better - something needs to change because this cant continue longterm

she would repeatedly tell me how its not good that i keep missing important things, and its not good that im struggling as much as i am, so i need to do something so i can 'get to classes, get to important appointments, hang out with the people i care about and live life'. i know this. i hate that i miss all these things. it feels like she thinks i just dont care and im happy having half a life and i told her that i know and i care a lot. ive tried to sleep earlier and wake up earlier and i try not to be late to things because i hate wasting peoples time, i try wake up early but i never wake up early ebough to take my meds and alarms just dont work half the time. sometimes my roommates help me wake up but i cant ask them to do that every day because they also have uni and they have jobs and other responsibilities. id love to see a counsellor or someone that specialises in counselling people with narcolepsy and sleep disorders, so if theres one that i can afford to see that would be amazing.

i feel like i have reasons as to why its not as simple as she acts like it is, but she told me that it sounds like im making excuses even if i say theyre just reasons. maybe i am just making excuses and i do just need to try harder, i dont know. i was crying through the majority of the conversation. ive been having a really bad time mentally, i wont go into too many details there but ive been really depressed and suicidal (she doesnt know the second part, im not going to do anything either. its just thoughts.) and this conversation just really doesnt help. i dont know what to do. is it that i need to try harder? i dont know what that would even mean but if anyone has suggestions i would really really appreciate it.

i didnt get to do any of my uni work. she left to catch the bus home, ive just been standing in the cafe bathroom crying and typing all of this out. id really appreciate basically any words in response if anyone has any. if i need to take this down, please let me know and i will. thank you.