Narcissistic spouse? Something else? I'm at the end of my limit.

Hi everyone, I’m struggling to understand my relationship and would appreciate your insights. For some context, my wife often experiences emotional outbursts where she can be very cruel and demeaning. Later, she’ll become sweet and kind, but it’s like a rollercoaster that leaves me emotionally drained. She also spends most of her time in bed, battling depression, and I’ve stayed in the relationship in large part by ignoring a lot of red flags.

Intimacy is rare, and I’ve lost the desire for it. When I bring up my feelings, she tends to blame herself for being unattractive. Whenever I mention unresolved issues from the past (specifically the words she has said to me), she tells me I’m “living in the past,” but those things weigh heavily on me because they were never truly addressed.

One thing that’s especially confusing is how fights always seem to turn around on me. If I express my concerns, she’ll accuse me of belittling her emotions or being dismissive, even when I try to be as careful and understanding as possible. When she’s upset, she often gives me the silent treatment.

She isolates us as much as possible because she thinks other people do not like her. Typically we will go through a cycle where she will meet new people at a job, think they are wonderful and the best friends ever, and then eventually grow to hate them after the first altercation.

She doesn’t want to go to counseling or therapy, which has made it harder to work through these challenges. I feel emotionally empty and depressed, and most of it stems from our marriage—not work, school, or other factors.

At times, I wonder if I’m being overly sensitive or expecting too much. I’ve read about narcissistic tendencies, but I’m not sure if that’s what I’m dealing with, if there’s another explanation, or if I’m just reading into things too much.

How can I get clarity about what’s happening? I just feel angry or depressed 24/7 lately.