Going through hard times

My baby was born at week 24 and it has been 60 days in nicu. I feel like i am losing my mind. Everything seems so difficult. Every time my baby screams when the cpap mask hurts, i feel so helpless. I hate that machine. I hate nurses who don’t do their jobs properly. I hate trying to learn everything about daily cares so that i don’t need any staff. I hate doctors who don’t care about the patients. I hate fake smiling and being nice to all the staff because my baby needs them. I hate thinking about long term effects of all possible diseases. I have so much feeling inside me that I struggle to understand what I am going through. I am discovering a totally new me. Is it because i am a first time parent, or i have a preterm baby? I want to cry for hours but my body is incapable of doing so. i only have a couple tears and a feeling like a heavy elephant sitting on my throat.
I had so different plans about this whole pregnancy and new born stage. Who should I be angry at? How and when will this end? Will i ever feel like” it was all in the past, now we are ‘normal’”