I might end my life today
Female. Today is my 28th birthday. I've only left my house twice 2 months. Car got repossessed because I lost it due to having to quit my job. I have multiple severe chronic illnesses , and now they're causing severe memory loss and severe depression. I've had them my whole life and the symptoms are getting worse. Don't have a single friend. I thought I had a best friend, but she completely quietly uninvited me from an event she had been telling me about for weeks that I even helped her plan. She just never texted me the time and location, then I saw her there on instagram. Haven't seen cousins or aunts or uncles in over a year because of depression. Credit card debt is piling up. Can't find remote work. Psych meds aren't helping ease the pain. No plans for today. No money. Not normal so I will never get married. Not normal so I can never live out my dream of being a mom. So many people think I'm beautiful, but I think I'm hideous. There's so much more, but it's not even worth writing because what I've shared is enough to want to die. I've been wanting to do it every day for about 3 years now, and I've been holding on for the sake of my dad, and because I was hoping Allah would help me. I just sit in my room all day. trying not to be mad. trying not to scream or cry. sometimes I go on walks when the weather isn't too cold, but it doesn't help. If I knew my dad would be okay with me committing, I wouldn't be here writing this post I don't think. I'm still figuring out if he'll eventually forget about me and be okay, or if he'll drop dead from the pain and guilt. Or, he'll just be debilitatingly depressed for the rest of his life. He's a good dad, he's already lost another child...I don't really care about the rest of my family as I don't think they care about me. Only thing stopping me besides that is hell. I think I'm going no matter what because of my anger .. but I know suicide is really bad. I'd hope god would have mercy considering how bad my depression has been for years, but I don't know. My life is going nowhere, I'm getting sicker, I have nothing to look forward to. Every day is the same. I'm not doing anything today, or tomorrow, or the next day. Not even leaving my room. Don't even have a job to distract myself with. I have a really good plan for how to end it, I'm really just trying to figure out what comes next.