Feeling Stuck

Is anyone else struggling with this feeling? Like where I am at in my life is not where I want to be, but it feels so overwhelming to change it? I’m 34M, never married, no kids. I’ve had two deeply impactful romantic relationships. Lost one to tragedy, one to stupidity. I’ve lost a parent and care for the one remaining. I work a white collar job, but it’s not as fulfilling as I had hoped and it’s left me feeling like I don’t have enough time for anything.

I spend the majority of my 20s depressed and stuck. And when I look back, I feel truly grateful and can see all the progress that I’ve made. I feel pride in my accomplishments, but still feel like it’s not enough.

I’m tired of trying to meet someone through online dating, so I’ve uninstalled all the apps, but I’m equally as frustrated that I do not have the network to meet many people. My job isn’t really one where I have the opportunity to socialize and the fee coworkers that I have are not interested in being social with me outside of work (they basically just go home to their partners). Whenever I approach people to initiate a conversation, I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest.

I just don’t know how to get to where I want to be. I miss the feeling of having someone to come home to. Someone to support and grow with. I want a happy and healthy family…I’ve always wanted that, but I don’t know how to get there. I also crave more social interaction with friends, but that’s equally as difficult.

Thanks for listening to me vent.

TLDR: Lonely and stuck. How do I make new friends organically when I’m on the shy side and don’t want to initiate conversation?