My Wife Struggles with Independence and Sometimes Feels Childlike—How Can I Support Her Growth Without Resentment?

Hey Reddit,

I don't normally post intimate stuff, but besides looking for therapy I really think I need an outside perspective. I'm just looking for some advice about my marriage. My wife is an incredible person—she’s kind, loving, and has such a good heart—but she really struggles with independence and decision-making. I know a lot of this comes from her upbringing—she was homeschooled, grew up in a strict family, parents got divorced and her mom remarried and now they have a large family (currently 10-12 people), and wasn’t really encouraged to take the lead in her life.

Because of this, she tends to be very passive in most situations. She apologizes constantly, avoids confrontation, and has a hard time making even small decisions (she still makes them). I’ve been as patient and supportive as I can, helping her think ahead and build confidence, but it feels like we’re stuck in the same cycle. She still asks me dozens of questions about simple things, even when we've already discussed them. It's like she doesn't feel confident in making decisions on her own, and I end up repeating myself a lot. Sometimes, she forgets things we've talked about, which can be frustrating because it feels like we’re not making progress. This leads to avoidable mistakes—like forgetting important details or not following through on something we agreed on. It’s not that she’s not trying, but it feels like there’s a disconnect, and it’s really hard to move forward when this pattern keeps happening...but with her family and church, she never forgets a name, a task, an objective, a routine. It's just frustrating to see the difference. I've sat down and pointed this out and asked her how we can do anything different...she just says sorry and she'll try to remember. I can't ask for more and I tell her not say "sorry", it's okay. After the 1000th time, it's getting hard.

One of the biggest challenges has been finances. She and her mom started a business as soon as she graduated college, and over time, she ended up being responsible for a lot of the costs—without fully realizing how deep she was in ($60k). I’ve stepped in to help, but it’s been overwhelming to untangle everything and make sure she’s in a better place financially. I know she didn’t mean for things to get so out of hand, but it worries me that she struggles to take charge in these situations. And not to rag on her family, but her mom has put all of the stress of the finances on my wife. My wife is frustrated and wished her mom hadn't done that, but has not had a serious conversation with her mom about it and failed to communicate how that hurt her and how she doesn't want that to happen again (they're doing more with this business currently, but I keeping a watch and I shouldn't have to).

I’ve also noticed that in our relationship, she rarely takes the initiative. I’ve asked her to plan dates, but she either avoids it or doesn’t think through the details like budget or logistics. What’s confusing is that she’s incredibly responsible within her family—she cooks, cleans, teaches her younger siblings—so I know she’s capable. I just don’t understand why she struggles to apply that same responsibility in other areas of her life.

On top of that, she has this childlike excitement about things, which is sweet in some ways, but at times it feels like immaturity for her age. A recent example of this happened when we were at a sporting event. She got so excited when one of the teams scored (a team she’d never even watched before) that she almost dropped her food in her lap on me and her in the process, she gets giddy and excited to the point where other people notice and I try to ask if her if she's okay and alright. I’ve started to wonder if there might be something like ADHD or autism contributing to this behavior, but I’m unsure how to bring it up in a way that feels supportive rather than judgmental.

I love her so much, and I want to see her grow and thrive, but after years of trying to help, I feel like I’m hitting a wall. I don’t want to let frustration turn into resentment, so I’m trying to figure out the best way to approach this with love and patience. Do you have any advice? How can I encourage real change while still being a supportive husband?