Everyweek someone fucking goes to my house. (I'm gonna rant.)

It's either social workers or police. Don't want to talk with either. I'm an adult,the last memory i have with police is being taken by CPS and then them being some times called when I cut myself. Oh my god. Social workers?They all old women who are acting kind but will berate you for your slightest mistake. "Oh you don't do that" "you should do that" While you're mentally ill probably. Didn't have a chance to check since even psych ward didn't help me. I will never know what's wrong with me ,just suffer with weird creations of my own mind.

Like chat,this shit can't be fr. Because what,I'm gonna go to psychiatrist only to hear that "its not bad because you're aware that it's not real?"

Or just get another psychiatrist that will base his opinion on the diagnosis that got thrown at me at the psych ward after a weird test asking about my school life and family home? No questions about things I experience on daily. Nothing. No deep diving. Not even a mention. Only the things I mentioned at the start of my stay. That I cut myself because I felt and saw worms crawling out of my skin. Bruh. One time I didn't recall it wasn't real - nobody fucking gave a damn.

Then they lowered the dose of my antypsychotics because well "i was doing fine". Yeah,it resulted in my brain convincing me that I am healthy then convincing me that the meds are poison and it was some kind of hot and cold depends on the minute of the day. I stopped taking medication and it went downhill. Some would say "You chose to stop taking them!!!" OK Karen but I wasn't thinking straight.

Do you know how much I had to metaphorically break my back to make a psychiatrist believe me that I do need those antypsychotics and don't want to just sell them?

And when I got the right med it changed my life. I was more social,able to talk to strangers. Able to go to shops. Hell.

But then?They lowered the damn dose and I went down the spiral.

I failed to kill myself some time ago,now I'm not even trying to. Because I know that I am too much of a pussy. Now I take whatever life throws at me. Whatever L I get.

I am meant to die chat but God isn't done with me.