Spending Christmas alone

Hi my lovely Reddit IVF fam.

I’ve decided to spend Christmas alone this year because I’ll be happier than being around people at all.

Something really horrible happened yesterday and I feel like venting. The rage in me is beyond belief.

We had an extended family Christmas party (husband’s side) at his cousin’s house.

When we started IVF, we chose to tell 6 people in our closest family. 2 sister in laws, mother in law, my mum, my dad and my brother.

One of my sister in laws is pregnant at the moment. At the party yesterday, amidst the entire group of family, including husbands of distant cousins and teenagers, one of my husband’s nephews started asking me about the IVF and why I’m not yet pregnant. I shrugged it off and turned my head, feeling really confronted. He then proceeded to tell me about my biological clock and how I should hurry up with it. I told him not every woman wants to have kids, and I walked away trying not to break down.

Someone has told him. One of my trusted people. It’s not something I can forgive right now.

It’s been playing on my mind all night.

This morning I brought it up with my husband. I asked him who he believes told the nephew. Immediately he got defensive about his family (which he always does - putting them before me). Then he told me to stop blaming them. It turned into an argument.

We have male factor infertility, by the way.

I told him how difficult this was for me. And he goes “don’t you think it’s hard for me too?” However, he’s not the one being questioned and judged in public. I am. I tried to express that in simplistic terms and he just kept telling me I’m being SELFISH and PRE MENSTRUAL (I’m not due for another 2 weeks lol)

He just cannot understand why all of this matters.

I was perfectly healthy and able to have a baby and I wasted it on someone who today, proved to me that I’m nothing more than an accessory to bear him a child that he wasn’t able to have.

I feel so lost.

I’m nearly 40. We have one embryo frozen, I was going in for another collection in January. I don’t know what to do.

So that’s my Christmas. I know most people are struggling, especially around this time of the year. I really feel for you all. This shit is hard 🤍