Desperately need advice

Genuinely how do I function without feeling insane? I am scared I’ll go into psychosis at some point. I can’t shake the negative thought loops, that I’m stuck in a never ending trip, that I’m horrible and deserve this because I did it to myself by abusing drugs. It’s so exhausting. How do I start the process of healing?

This entire ordeal has been so difficult. I got cut by my insurance so I no longer have access to therapy (or my gender affirming care which adds to my stress). I know I have a problem with drugs. I thought I could just drink and abstain from all other drugs but drinking makes my symptoms worse. I used to smoke weed daily, basically every hour of the day for almost 5 years. Quitting that has fucking sucked. In the last four months I’ve done molly about 10 times. I probably consumed close to 3g in 4 months. I knew it was bad for me but I didn’t care. I mixed it with shrooms at one point, and had a difficult acid trip in November. It’s been 3 weeks since i’ve done molly. This is all still so fresh, I keep reminding myself I won’t get better overnight.

My symptoms aren’t 24/7. It comes in waves, some days are easier than others. But god I’m afraid I’m going to spiral before I’m able to go back to therapy in february. I’m experiencing mild visual snow, this gets way worse/more noticeable at night. It genuinely makes me feel like I’m watching my life through a screen, like I’m not real. The DPDR is also horrible. I start to question if anything is real, and if I’ll ever be “normal” again. Walls really fuck with me, they look warped and like they’re moving. There’ll be fractal patterns and colors look more vivid, but in an off putting cartoony way. I can see floaters especially when I’m driving, and sparks of colorful light here and there. Sometimes bright colors will be burned into my field of vision, especially if I’m looking at a screen and look away.

What are some practical ways to find relief? I’m desperate for help. I don’t want to keep burdening my friends with my rants, I’m sure I sound insane to them. Any help is greatly appreciated.