On Being Single, Lonely, and Losing Hope

I see a lot of posts here on this topic and I’d like to share my experience.

I’m 39M. I tried checking all the boxes like most of us. I’m a journeyman tradesman with a bachelor’s degree, been to 24 countries, lived in multiple cities, stayed in shape/kept active, managed my finances, and volunteered when I could. I’m also a combat veteran. But life kept happening. I had to drop out of an Ivy League university when I was younger, moved back in with my parents multiple times, struggled with alcoholism, depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. Relationships just didn’t seem to ever work out. I saved money, but for every $10K I’d put away, a starter home in my area would go up by $30K. After a botched surgery my career in the trades was abruptly ended. Last year I had a plan to self-delete. I felt like I had exhausted all of my options and I simply didn’t have anything left in the tank to get up and keep trying. I felt ashamed to be alive and I didn’t want any more of this life.

As I was tying up loose ends, something odd happened. I felt a profound sense of relief because I wasn’t going to have to do this anymore. I hadn’t felt such peace before. This may not sound logical but I delayed my end because of an engine code. I wanted my parents to have a second vehicle and didn’t want to leave them with a mechanic bill, so I took my car to the shop and waited a few days. I had an appointment with my psych nurse in that time and I broke down and told her about my plan. I agreed to change my meds and undergo electro convulsive therapy.

Things were hard. ECT is not fun. But things slowly started to get better. I have tried to keep that sense of peace as I move through life. I learned that trying so hard and worrying so much doesn’t pay dividends. I try to get up every day and do what I can but not worry so much about the outcome. I eventually chose to switch careers and started a master’s program to that end. It has helped me just to have a direction.

One day, a friend called me up and asked if I could show her friend (who was visiting from Europe) around for a day since she was working. I had free time so I said sure. Well, a few weeks ago I got approved for free tuition. Tomorrow I’m marrying the lady from Europe. She knows about my struggles and that I’m in a tough position but she chose me anyways. We live a fairly frugal life and there are a lot of unknowns, but we love each other and we’re optimistic.

I’m still on meds and have plenty of down days, but I’m learning to work through it and come back to that place of peace each time. I don’t know if I’ll live happily ever after, but I’m glad I stuck around.

I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m gloating. This is just to show that you really don’t know what’s around the next corner. If you’re honest, trying to improve yourself, and generally trying to be a good person, I’d say you’re doing it right, even if the world hasn’t rewarded you for it. To all the men who feel like they just can’t win no matter what they do, I see you. I hope you all stumble upon that one thing that makes your life worth it, whatever it may be.