Why do I feel so empty

Im a 19 year old guy. It seems that the story of my life is that I do things that push people away. I have a distorted perception of myself and other people. I automatically look at myself as bad and question who I am or what my personality is . And when people make me feel rejected I tend to feel an urge to manipulate them for sympathy to get reassurance that they won’t leave me. I try and get peoples sympathy by doing things like cutting myself or victimizing myself, but that behavior actually just pushes them away. Feeling abandoned is pretty terrifying for me, it’s just extremely unsettling. l feel like I can’t feel happiness or genuinely love anyone, I only fear people abandoning me.

I lack empathy and I only care about myself but try not to show it. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and I feel chronically empty . My depression affects my ability to get out of bed and do basic things to take care of my self. It’s like there’s a chronic feeling of emptiness, nothing makes me feel genuinely happy. It feels like I have nothing to ever look forward to