I’m pretty ashamed..

That I have to come back and admit this.

But I’m back in the same situation I was a year and a half or so ago. Some back story, myself (28HLF) and my husband (34LLM) separated in January 2019 after years of DB. We lived separately and I lived alone for the first time in my life, and it was great for me. I was getting laid regularly and dating, and enjoying life. At that point, our finances were still together. So even though we were living together, we paid all our bills including my rent through a joint pool. Before it came the point where we agreed on separating the bills, I got hit with a panic more then I’ve even know questioning myself and if I was making the right decision. Could I be without him, could I support myself fully, was it worth giving up comfort, ect. This spiraled into more questions about making a mistake and losing someone I love, and I talked myself into asking him to try one more time to make things work. In July 2019, he moved into my tiny apartment that I loved, and we moved into a bigger place since.

I’m sure you’re all going to be shocked to hear that absolutely nothing has changed now. Still the same issues. Except now it’s even worse. No sex. The few times we have had sex since reconciliation, I’m not satisfied. When he doesn’t pick up after himself and the house is an absolute disaster, I just get so angry thinking about how easy it was to keep my apartment clean when it was just me. And I desperately just want to go back and slap myself across the face and yell at myself to wake up and keep going, even if getting divorced was the harder road.

I had the paperwork printed and my part filled out. I was ready. Now, I hate myself even more for letting myself fall back into this for a second time. It feels more hopeless than it did when everything first started happening. I was vigorously cleaning my house and was feeling so angry, I broke down in tears on my living room floor, and then came here. If you read this far, thanks for letting me vent.