i'm tired of starving.

ETA the TLDR i forgot: i am struggling to afford food when at school due to my college's wack ass food accessibility and i don't know if i can handle another semester like this

hi there! i'm sharing here because i just want to get this off my chest. it's something that has been affecting me for a while now. i am adding in a trigger warning for disordered eating because nothing about this is ok or normal and it could be upsetting.

i am a first generation, low-income freshman and will be heading back to school in a week, and i am honestly really nervous. my meal plan is incredibly generous (unlimited at the two dining halls on campus and one meal swap per day), but i am really nervous about being able to eat.

i am an autistic student with restrictive eating and a food allergy (ginger); it's hard for me to find food that i can eat without feeling horrible. there is one dining hall that i go to all the time near my dorm that is actually decent but it closes at 10pm. on the other hand, there is another dining hall on the complete other side of campus that has horrible food and has a history with food poisoning that closes at midnight. there is also a little market by dining hall #1 that is open until 1am; this'll be discussed later.

i have two night labs weekly that'll run really late, making dining hall #1 near impossible to eat at. the shuttles on campus can be especially unreliable at night, so it isn't particularly safe for me to go to dining hall #2. my college campus is relatively safe, but it is in a city. when i get up by dining hall #1 to see if there are any meals in the market, there are typically little to none left that qualify for my meal swap or don't contain my allergen and that leaves me to pay for food with dining dollars (we are allotted an amount we choose each semester) or out of pocket (not an option for me, especially since i am out of a job at the moment). you can probably see the issue by now.

i plan on signing up for my campus's food bank and, hell, maybe even consider looking into food stamps since i can't handle starving anymore. i have been eating well at home and i don't think i can handle a repeat of last semester; it got so bad to a point where i started stealing food to try and get by. it was never a lot (a small thing of cheese, maybe an apple juice, etc) and i haven't been caught (i've had to do it for years atp so i've gotten uncomfortably good at it) but istg the meal swap never covers any healthy food. there was one night where the only things i could afford on my meal swap was five small bags of cheetos and a thing of apple juice; that isn't a dinner.

i know this is just talking to a void, but i'm just so frustrated. i know i am so lucky to go to school and i already feel bad for my mom having to take loans out for me to go to college; i don't want to have to ask her for money for dinner twice+ a week as well. being hungry so often affects my concentration and i'm trying my best to ignore it. finding jobs on campus has been near impossible at this point in the year and, despite applying at multiple places in the city as well, nothing has come back. i just could use a hug and some food 🥲