Colic is hardening me and I hate it

My 4.5 month old guy is so so fussy and whiny during his wake windows. And there’s usually a full blown crying meltdown or two. It’s excruciating.

But I think the hardest thing about this all is how much it’s hardened me. As a first time mom, I so looked forward to being affectionate and loving with my baby. And now it just feels like I have to let him cry briefly and periodically because I’m tending to my own basic needs like drinking water or peeing. And I catch myself mocking him or saying things like “yep, there you go again” when I set him down and he cries as expected. It makes me feel so evil and unloving and I absolutely hate it. Colic really is the worst experience to go through.