Luigi Mangione 101: When Corporate Greed Finally Pissed Off the Wrong Nerd

Ah, students, take a fucking seat because today we’re talking about Luigi Mangione—the guy who looked at the U.S. healthcare system, whispered “enough of this bullshit,” and allegedly pulled a full John Wick on UnitedHealthcare’s CEO, Brian Thompson.

Now, whether you think Mangione is a hero, a villain, or just a pissed-off millennial with access to a 3D printer, his actions have set off a nuclear bomb in the middle of America’s corporate overlord wet dream—the privatized, parasitic, legally sanctioned murder-for-profit scheme we call healthcare.

Let’s break it down, Orion style.

1. The System That Made Him Snap

If you don’t already know, the American healthcare system isn’t just broken—it’s a sadistic fucking experiment in human suffering. It’s pay-to-live capitalism where insurance companies exist solely to deny coverage, hospitals charge $8,000 for an aspirin, and pharmaceutical giants price lifesaving meds at Lamborghini prices because fuck you, that’s why.

Mangione, a bright-eyed Ivy League graduate (I mean, look, I hate Ivy Leaguers, but the dude clearly had brains), went to school for computer science and engineering, which means he spent years crunching numbers, analyzing data, and getting more intimately acquainted with reality than 90% of the people who run this country. And that reality? The system isn’t failing—it’s working exactly as designed.

Let me say that again, in case you were dropped as a baby: The U.S. healthcare system isn’t broken—it’s a well-oiled machine for legalized extortion.

Mangione looked at this insurance-driven scam and, instead of writing a thinkpiece on Medium like a passive-aggressive tech bro, he allegedly picked up a gun and said, "Time to uninstall some motherfuckers."

2. The Hit: A Cyberpunk-Assassination in Midtown

December 4, 2024. Brian Thompson, CEO of UnitedHealthcare—a man whose job literally consisted of profiting off of people's untreated illnesses—was walking in Midtown Manhattan, probably on his way to charge someone $20,000 for a Band-Aid, when BOOM, he caught several high-velocity opinions to the torso.

The shooter? A guy on a bicycle.

A fucking bicycle.

This wasn’t some cartel hitman rolling up in a black SUV with tinted windows—this was an MIT reject in bike shorts with a suppressed 3D-printed gun, riding away like he just robbed a Whole Foods.

It took cops five whole days to track him down, which, if you know anything about how bad the NYPD is at solving actual crimes, means he probably could’ve gotten away with it if he didn’t stop at McDonald’s in Altoona, Pennsylvania.

My guy literally committed corporate assassination and then treated himself to a fucking McDouble. That level of detachment? That’s main character energy.

3. The Trial: Jury Nullification or Just Plain Nullified?

Now, let’s talk legal shit. Because, hoo boy, this trial is shaping up to be an absolute shitshow.

Mangione has pleaded not guilty (which is either delusional or the most Chad move possible). His lawyers are hinting at jury nullification, which is a fancy legal way of saying, “Yeah, he did it, but can we all agree the guy he killed fucking deserved it?”

And let me tell you—the jury pool is gonna be wild. A recent poll showed that almost half of college students think Mangione was in the right. That means at least half the jury could be sitting there nodding like, ‘I mean… fair point.’

And in the court of public opinion? The dude has already been turned into an internet folk hero. There are subreddits analyzing his manifesto, Twitter threads calling him a “revolutionary,” and some absolute psychopaths in Boston projected his face onto a Disney-themed dance party while playing He Could Be The One by Hannah Montana.

Because, apparently, we live in the most batshit timeline possible.

4. The Ethics of Assassination: Necessary Evil or Just Another Murder?

Alright, this is the part where we get philosophical as fuck.

Mangione’s story forces us to ask the uncomfortable question: When does an act of violence become justified?

This is where cognitive dissonance kicks in, because people love to say violence is never the answer—except when it’s the Revolutionary War, World War II, drone strikes in the Middle East, or literally any cop pulling the trigger in self-defense.

So is this different?

Let’s look at historical precedent:

John Brown: Murdered slave owners and got hanged. Now he’s viewed as a heroic abolitionist.

Gavrilo Princip: Shot an Austrian archduke and started World War I. Probably not the best comparison.

The guy who punched Martin Shkreli in the face? National fucking treasure.

Mangione’s biggest problem isn’t morality—it’s the fact that he didn’t have institutional backing. Because here’s the thing—America fucking loves assassinations, as long as they’re carried out by the government or some Blackwater goon with a badge.

If the CIA had done the exact same hit on a foreign dictator, we’d be handing out fucking medals. But do it to an insurance CEO in New York? Now it’s a crime.

Funny how that works.

5. The Future: Is This the Start of the CEO Purge?

Let’s be clear—Mangione’s case isn’t just about him. This is about how much corporate America can squeeze the public before people start fighting back.

Every insane hospital bill, every denied claim, every person who dies because an insurance company decided their life wasn’t profitable enough—that all builds pressure. And history tells us that when you fuck over the masses for long enough, someone eventually goes full Guy Fawkes.

So what happens now?

If Mangione gets convicted, he becomes a martyr to internet radicals.

If he walks, holy fucking shit, CEOs are gonna start wearing bulletproof vests to Starbucks.

Either way, this trial is going to define the ethics of modern economic rebellion.

And you better believe that other pissed-off millennials and Gen Z kids—buried in student debt, medical bills, and a deep, seething hatred for corporate overlords—are watching very closely.

Final Exam:

Multiple Choice - Choose the Best Answer

1. Luigi Mangione’s alleged actions were primarily motivated by:

A) A deep-rooted frustration with the corporate healthcare system B) A personal vendetta against Brian Thompson C) The overwhelming urge to roleplay Hitman in real life D) A desperate attempt to make bike couriers look cool

2. Which of the following outcomes is most likely to result from Mangione’s trial?

A) A guilty verdict, followed by corporate America breathing a sigh of relief B) A not guilty verdict, followed by a Wall Street Journal op-ed titled "Are Billionaires an Endangered Species?" C) A mistrial, forcing the judge to say "fuck it" and flee the country D) The creation of a new subreddit called r/CEOdownbad

3. If you were an insurance executive reading this, what should you do next?

A) Hire more security B) Lower premiums before the peasants come with pitchforks C) Move to an undisclosed location in Switzerland D) All of the above

Turn in your answers before capitalism collapses.