DAE have a permanent fear response whenever something or someone touches a specific part of your body.

TW: Mention of physical abuse.

When I was younger my dad used to beat me a lot, it wasn't really as bad as my mom's consant screaming meltdowns whenever anything went wrong but I'm slowly realizing that my dad's behavior left a comparable number of scars to what my mother did to me.

I just have all these awful memories of him hitting me, menacing me, beating me whenever he was having a bad day, some of it doesn't feel real but I don't know, I just remeber he very frequently would hit me on the top of my head from an upward angle, this stopped once I grew taller and started being more willing to defend myself physically.

It's just, the damage is done, I'm so jumpy and afraid of things getting close to my face, if literally anything remotely hard touches the top of my head unexpectedly I automatically recoil away, the worst part is that it isn't conscious at all. I have zero control, usually what happens is something will touch my head and I only realize I moveed after I've already done it.

I get so afraid and it's so fucking exhausting.

The more I think about this the more it becomes clear to me that my parents took fucking everything, my mother obliterated my mind with her screaming breakdowns and insanely overly controlling parenting strategies, my dad destroyed my body with his constant assualts and beatings.

I just fucking hate them, I'm like walking pile of scar tissue, is there even any me underneath.