I’m afraid of what I don’t know

There are many gaps from my childhood. I know I experienced verbal and physical abuse from my mother, but I could never truly know the real extent of it. My grandmother told me that when I was only 3 years old, she threw me against the wall. There has been many times I’ve been alone with her, but I don’t remember these things.

Anytime she is angry, I get this fear, almost like instinct that she’s going to physically harm me - like she’s going to hurt me to the point she’ll kill me. I’ve always had this fear, and it scares me that maybe there’s more she did to me than my brain is not letting me remember.