So angry so dissociated so confused like HOW DID NO ONE NOTICE?! grieving my childhood

Or worse…. What if they all knew and were in on it. Omfg I’m not okay. I’ve become so agoraphobic bc I can’t stand anyone seeing me. I have been picking my face so badly as a form of self harm and cause it keeps people away from me when I have scratches and scabs all over my face. All I can think about is being raped. I have no idea how many times it’s happened to me. 100? 200? could be thousands I really don’t know. Little clips of my assaults play over and over in my mind flashing from one rape to the next. I’m so angry. I was so young my god how did no one notice. Like physically ??? Like not to be graphic but penetration started very early. My main abuser was very smart though.. I have memories of him using some kind of metal dildo like tool to begin stretching me out when I was ages 2/3/4 until the actual rapes began when I was either 4 or 5 years old. Most recently I’ve had memories come up where I’m being assaulted in locations I don’t recognize. And in the memories the men don’t look like my father (main abuser)… it’s looking more and more like he trafficked me to his friends or strangers even idk. I was so fucking young like how did my mother not notice? My grandmother? Wouldn’t that be obvious?? Idk it just makes me so sick to think about. I was groomed and conditioned to beleive I was complicit in my own fucking sexual abuse and that if I ever told both my parents would go to prison and I would be an orphan. Plus a bunch of other stuff and my dad used religion to try and prove what he did to me was “pure”. He used to make me watch these vhs tapes of CSAM. There was a main adult male who would be talking to the camera for a long time like as if he was talking to a child and long story short it was so fucked but the guy in the videos would encourage “sex” between dads and their daughters (🤮) and he would read from the Bible and shit before commuting the acts and then my abuser would make me copy the video.. it was so confusing as a kid. I’m so disgusted with my thoughts and these memories. How much of my life is missing??? Every day it’s something new. And I know in my bones that these things happened. I’m all over the place I’m 2.5 years sober but it’s my birthday today and I hate birthdays they make me feel so gross I don’t have a visual memory connected to my bday but I have divorced parents and would often go to my fathers around my birthday to celebrate with him and I know things happened then maybe that’s why or who knows but I really just wanna get fucked up so badly right now so the memories can stop. I can’t take this. My poor little child body was put through so much. It hurts so bad to think about. I never told a soul until I was an adult and not a single person noticed. I had damn near every sign too. I just feel so broken like I never got the chance to tell anyone and once I did my family just ignored it and never spoke about it again I’m so torn apart why won’t anyone see how broken I am. I am a shell of a person I can barely function i need to get a job but making eye contact with people makes my stomach upset immediately cause people either pity me or give me the look like they wanna fuck me and I hate it. It feels like I have a giant sign on my forehead that says “used & abused ready for me!” Or something like goddamn. Idk why I’m even writing this I just don’t have anyone and I’m in so much emotional pain. I’ve been victimized so many times it’s all I feel I’m worth anymore. I want to be a regular person so bad I’d love to go to school and become something but I can’t function bc of my abuse it’s all I think about non stop. It’s so weird bc for like the first 18 years of my life it barely affected me and then bam! It was effecting me every day all the sudden. Now I’m 26 and it just keeps getting worse. Ugh. I just want to feel whole for even just a minute I fear I’ll never be okay. Been in therapy for years I’m trying hard but I think my father broke my soul as a kid