This Is Hell

When the day is going well, I get anxious because I’m just waiting for the next thing that’s going to ruin any stability I was able to scrape together since the last thing.

I made no birthday plans because A) I didn’t want to be near anywhere she could order alcohol and B) if I expect nothing, I can’t be disappointed. Well, I expected a day of sobriety because there was no alcohol in the house and we weren’t leaving the house—stupid of me. I get through what ended up being a really pleasant day and dinner, only to be surprised by guests I wasn’t expecting and several bottles of wine.

The guests were lovely, despite seeing her enthusiastically refilling everyone’s glass over and over. I almost made it through the whole day happy until it was time to put our kid to sleep, and then she scares the kid because she’s a drunk fucking mess, just like her mother, and the night gets ruined by me cutting her off and her calling me boring.

Then I get to explain to my crying child why mom is acting scary and reassure her that nothing is her fault.

It’s neverending.