I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Always_Never_5555. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: happy ending regarding the lamp

Original Post: December 20, 2024

I (45F) have a dear friend "Lauren" (43F). We grew up together, and she was a bridesmaid at my wedding 20 yrs ago.

Several years ago my husband and I had a great opportunity to work and live abroad for a few years. It required that we sell our house and most of our belongings, and put the rest in storage. One item I did not want to let go was a beautiful antique crystal lamp that belonged to my late grandmother. It holds many important memories for me. Unfortunately, our storage unit was so full that I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to squeeze it in without giving up something else we wanted to keep. 

I mentioned this dilemma to Lauren, and she jumped in with an offer to hold onto the lamp “for me”. She said it would look gorgeous in her living room and she would be proud to display it there until we got back. I was thrilled!

Well, our time abroad recently came to an end and we are now back in the US. We bought a new house, collected our belongings from storage, and are in the process of furnishing it. I asked Lauren for my lamp back, and she got all pissy and said that she understood it was a GIFT! I reminded her that it was a family heirloom that she promised to keep “for me” until I got back, but she insists that’s not how she remembers it. She said she adores this lamp, it’s the “focal point” of her living room decor, and that if I demanded it back our friendship would be over.

I’m heartbroken. She is one of my oldest friends, and while she can be quirky, she’s never done anything like this before. I don't want to lose her friendship, but I also don't want to lose a treasured family heirloom! It’s also worth quite a bit of money - it appraised at over $2000. To be clear, I am 100% confident that I did NOT tell her it was hers to keep. Given our life-long friendship, I thought it was safe to leave it with her. I can't even fathom why she thinks I gave it to her. We are not rich, I would never give a gift that expensive to anyone!

To make matters worse, I told my sister about all of this, and she hit the roof. That lamp holds memories for her too, and she was livid that it might be lost to our family. I've always intended to pass it down to my own daughter.

So last week I told Lauren I want the lamp. She burst into tears and accused me of putting “material things over friendship” but said she’d give it back, although she keeps coming up with excuses why she’s been too busy to either bring it over or let me come by to get it. 

Now I’m wondering if she’s right. Is a life-long friendship more important than a lamp? AITA for demanding it back, hurting Lauren’s feelings and making her think I don't care about our friendship?

Some of OOP's Comments:

Top Commenter: She's the one who issued the ultimatum. She's the one who would rather have her aesthetic house with the lamp than you as a friend. She's the one who convinced herself you'd let her keep a beloved antique, despite the fact that she literally only has possession of it because you wanted to keep it.

Her own logic/story is full of holes and she knows it. That's why she's going nuclear. When was the last time you were at her house? Have you seen the lamp recently? Are you sure it hasn't been broken or sold? Or is she just really so deluded that she built her room around an item she doesn't own, and has been showing of "her" antique for years?

OOP: Yeah, I have to agree with you. Thanks for your comment. Oh and yes, I did swing by her house to say hello a few weeks ago when we first got back, and the lamp was there. I didn't ask for it back at that time because we were still in the process of buying a house so I had no place to put it! But I do now, and dammit I want it back.

To a now deleted comment:

I'm hoping she's just behaving like this because she really did remember it wrong (it HAS been a few years, after all) and just hasn't come to terms yet with losing something that she clearly has fallen in love with. I will try to reason with her and see what happens. But all of the responses in here are solidifying my initial belief that I am NOT in the wrong by demanding it back.

Commenter: Having read most of the responses so far, I think if it was me, I’d send a letter, e-mail, whatever that puts this good advice together and points out the flawed logic that she is using, and then give her a few days to think/reconsider.

It seems like this behaviour is really out of the blue from what you described, OP, so maybe something’s gone wrong. I mean, who knows? It could be that she was always like this, and you didn’t see it. Friendship sometimes be like that. But, there might be something else going on.

If a little time and a clear-headed look at the whole situation doesn’t elicit a reversal on her part, then I agree with all the posts that suggest pursuing the lamp through whatever means you need to, because in the end, that is the final part of your boundary, and she has made the decision to sacrifice a friendship. What a shame.

I hope she, uh, sees the light. (I’m sorry. It was just right there, and… I’ll see myself out.)

OOP: I wish I had time to respond to all of these comments, but right now I'm just responding to the few that really strike home. So...yeah...you've touched on multiple important points. First, this is definitely not normal behavior, but.... I mentioned she's a bit "quirky" - what I meant by that is that she can be a bit OCD. So maybe what's going on here is that for some reason she has become kinda obsessed with this lamp, and has convinced herself she's in the right?
I tend to be a compassionate person, and it sounds like you are too in recognizing that maybe something's gone wrong in her life leading to this bizarre behavior. Given that I've been overseas for the past few years, it's possible there's something going on that I don't know about (although we HAVE kept in touch from afar, and she hasn't mentioned any major issues). But your point is worth exploring.
I've read all of the responses so far, and they have confirmed for me that I'm NOT in the wrong by asking for it back. I still would like to think there's a chance of saving the relationship. I like your idea of trying to have a rational conversation with her, maybe in writing, and trying to dig into what might be going on in her life causing her to not see the logic in my right to ask for it back.
Best case scenario: she senses my compassion and care for her in asking what might be going wrong in her life, rethinks her position in keeping the lamp, and agrees to give it back and talk things out with me.
Thanks again for your feedback! And your witty last line gave me a giggle. :)

Commenter: OP, something that has not been touched on that will be a likely default on Lauren's behalf, is that she will do everything to play the victim in your social circles and paint you as a pariah since she's already threatening you with throwing away a 20 year friendship over a lamp. In today's social media obsessed world, she'll come out as the one who has been who's been wronged.

OOP: You make a very good point! The good news is that she's not really much into social media. We do have a lot of friends in common, but she's generally not the type to go around airing dirty laundry. I'm still hoping she'll rethink her position and we can put this behind us, as I'm willing to forgive and forget. But either way, I'm getting that lamp back.

On trusting Lauren in the first place:

As you pointed out, I didn't just "give it to someone to use and potentially destroy". I trusted it with someone I've known my whole life, who has never done anything to harm me, as I felt better about it being with her than collecting dust in storage. And I figured my Grandma would appreciate knowing it was being shown and loved while I was away.
I posted this question to find out if I'm the asshole for *wanting it back*, not for trusting her with it in the first place. If trusting a lifelong friend means I suck, well then I don't want to NOT suck. Obviously it turns out my trust was misplaced, but I don't blame myself for trusting her in the first place.

OOP is voted NTA

Update in Comments: December 21, 2024 (Next Day)

I GOT THE LAMP BACK!

I want to thank everyone who commented for all of the support. It helped me to see how I was allowing Lauren to manipulate me into believing that somehow I was in the wrong for wanting my lamp back.

Early this morning I drove over to her house. It's Saturday so I figured she'd be home, and she was. I could tell as soon as she opened the door that she knew why I was there. And yes, the lamp was there. Someone commented a suggestion that I bring her a bottle of wine to thank her for caring for my lamp, and I thought that was a great idea! Lauren does love wine. ;-) I brought her a very nice bottle that we brought back from abroad.

I said I'm sorry things have gotten tense between us, and I do value her friendship very much. I handed her the bottle and told her this is a gift to say thank you for taking such good care of my Grandma's lamp. I said "I'm sorry if there was any confusion about my intention in letting you hold onto it, but I think you know now how important that heirloom is to me and my family, and I need to take it back."

She kept saying she believed it was a gift, but I stood my ground and said she is remembering it wrong. I reminded her that this was a family heirloom. I said "Think about this: to you, it's a pretty lamp. To me, it's a reminder of my departed Grandma, and all the wonderful times spent in her house with this lamp lighting up her living room." How could she argue with that?

I didn't get angry, I remained calm but firm. In the end she just threw her hands up and said "fine," and I unplugged the lamp, gave her a hug and left. She was clearly upset, but I didn't stick around to see how she reacted.

I don't know what's going to happen with our friendship. I will say that I feel differently about her now, but if she is willing to move past this, so am I. Lifelong friends are hard to come by, and one dispute shouldn't end it. If we do move forward, I will know not to trust her with something like this again. But it's entirely possible I will never hear from her again. I don't plan on reaching out any time soon.

There were too many comments for me to address them all, but I want to answer a few questions. First, I wasn't going to get the police involved. This is a civil matter not criminal. I know I had the option of small claims court, and I guess I would have if necessary. I have plenty of photos of that lamp in my other house, and even in my Grandma's living room.

My sister lives in another state, so bringing her wasn't an option. My husband would have come with me, but I wanted to try to work this out between us.

Yes, I should have gotten something in writing before we left, but it was a VERY chaotic time and I just didn't think about anything but being grateful I didn't have to figure out how to squeeze the lamp into storage. Lesson learned.

I don't really care what she says to our mutual friends. If anyone asks me about it, I'll tell them the truth.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Well done on getting your lamp back and remaining calm and kind. It's a difficult balance in situations like that. It's also so sad that we/you have to think to get something confirmed in writing when trusting a lifelong friend. I think you can walk away with your head high and conscience in tact. It's now down to Lauren to decide what sort of person she is.

OOP: Thank you! And you bring up an important point. I did take some heat in the comments for not getting anything in writing. And while I admit I honestly didn't even think about this at the time (we were getting ready to move overseas, things were CRAZY!), I think that even if I had, I might not have done it. It would have made for an awkward conversation, implying that I don't trust someone whom I've known for my entire life. She's always been a bit sensitive, and I'm pretty sure that discussion would have been uncomfortable at best. Kinda like asking the fiancee for a prenup! It shows that you think there's a chance something will go wrong, and to an emotionally sensitive person, that may not go over very well.
But, like the divorced person who learns a hard lesson about NOT getting a prenup, I know better now! ;-)

PFyre: It doesn't need to be a formal letter: even just a text saying, "Thanks again for looking after my lamp whilst we're away. It's such a sentimental heirloom but know it's in great hands and really appreciate you taking the time to watch over it for me. When we get back and move into our new place we'll have to have a house warming - you can bring the lamp instead of a bottle!"

OOP: Yep, I wish I'd done that. My only excuse is that it was such a chaotic time. I made some other mistakes during that time too - bringing stuff with us overseas that we shouldn't have brought, NOT bringing stuff that we should have, not completely understanding the culture we were moving into, etc. Fortunately none of those mistakes were fatal. LOL! And hey, I got my lamp back, so this one wasn't either.

Dull_Income1205: Perfection! So glad my suggestion of wine eased the transaction. Merry Christmas!

OOP: AHHH! So you're the person who suggested the wine! I was trying to find your comment again. That really was a great idea, and I do believe it made a difference. Thanks again!