I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Aware-Chicken5917. They posted in r/AmItheAsshole.

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. The LATEST UPDATE is 7 days old due to the rules of this sub.

Mood Spoiler: tentatively hopeful

Original Post: May 12, 2024

My older brother is getting married to his partner on July 20th, a date that they agreed on in January and shared with the family. July 21st is our grandma's 80th birthday, she comes from a line of women where none of them lived past the age of 80 so it's a big deal for her and she announced last year that she wanted to go all out with a weekend long celebration.

When my brother announced his wedding date, she was the first one to react with kindness considering he forgot all about her 80th birthday plans when deciding upon the wedding date. They had made several down payments before announcing, so there was no point in asking them to move the wedding a week before or later for grandma. And grandma wouldn't allow it. She ultimately decided to have a relaxing, lowkey Sunday dinner because my brother and his fiancée also want to have a post wedding brunch that day for relatives and the bridal party.

My mom and I got to talking and we thought it would be super fun if, at midnight, us grandkids could surprise grandma with a cake and have the band play her favorite song so we could share a dance with her. It seemed like a fun way to include such an important milestone into the celebratory weekend since she was giving up her big birthday bash in favor of the wedding. I called my brother immediately to share the idea with him and he loved it, he even came up with the idea to make the cake England themed because mom and I are taking her to England in September as our gift, it's a life long dream of hers to go.

That is, he loved it until he didn't, meaning until he spoke with his fiancée. He called to say the "cake deal for gran" was off and that same night I received a text from his fiancée telling me I should've checked with her first if she would be okay with it and how I was being insensitive, rude and selfish for meddling with her special day. Yes, her special day. Not my brother's special day or their special day, her special day. She really seems like a good person and we get along well despite not being super close, but it seemed logical to me to contact my brother since it's also his wedding and it's his grandma, not hers.

I responded back by saying it was my brother's special day as well and how he was initially thrilled by the idea. I also told her I didn't appreciate her accusing me of meddling since both mom and I have fully respected the fact that she planned the entire wedding with her mom, leaving us out of the loop, despite my parents paying for a portion of the wedding. My mom was bummed about being fully excluded even though all she would've wanted was to know how everything was going.

The wedding reception is scheduled to end at 2am, and by midnight she'll already have been the center of attention. It's not like someone is going to jump out of her wedding cake and propose to another person. My text was met with a phone call from my brother who basically told me the conversation is over as I've overstepped my boundaries. AITA?

Relevant Comments:

Top Commenter: NTA. Your kind, loving 80-year-old grandma, who has already expressed how this is a historic and meaningful moment for her, is more important than your entitled SIL who would already have a full day of attention under her belt by then.

Go ahead and plan for lovely festivities with your grandma and her family without SIL or your brother. She outright declared war on the people financing her wedding and who are important to her husband, so all bets are off.

OOP: My mom is now really upset over the whole situation and she feels responsible for messing things up. I, on the other hand, am pissed off enough to blow off the wedding and throw grandma a weekend birthday bash instead. The old lady is so sweet and kind that she would probably be stressed going back and forth as to not miss her grandson's big day or the party her granddaughter threw her.

I mean, of course I won't do it but it's fun to think about. I do admit I was originally annoyed when they announced the wedding date, so were my aunts and cousins, but my grandma was so kind about it and my mom supported her as she wanted to be there for both her son and her mom. So grandma ended up settling for a basic Sunday dinner knowing everyone will be tired, hungover and worn out instead of having a weekend long birthday bash with all the people she loves

Commenter: YTA. It’s a nice sentiment but it’s not your party so you don’t get a say if your idea is ultimately turned down. Your brother made his choice as well.

OOP: (downvoted) Okay I'd agree if she just turned down my idea. No, she took it a few steps further by piling on the insults and being especially insulted that I dared to speak with my brother, who is the freaking groom, instead of coming to her first. We're not even that close and she has chosen to exclude our side of the family from wedding planning, I genuinely only know stuff about the wedding that my brother tells me, so it would be logical to speak to him!

Also meddling would be if I did it behind her back, I don't think making a suggestion warranted this reaction. I've come to think she has some serious control issues

Commenter: Sounds like there are very good reasons for that. Yes, it's your brother's wedding, but come the fuck on, was he REALLY supposed to say no to you and your mom after you cooked up this idea and clearly already feel he somehow disrespected your grandma by picking this date? It seems like maybe you knew you could pressure him into it. Personally, I sure wouldn't want the last moments of my wedding to be celebrating someone else. 

OOP: (downvoted) He would've said no if he was against it. He was enthusiastic about the idea, for God's sake he even came up with the cake design and said he could ask the bakery making their wedding cake if they could make it because he loved the cakes during the cake tasting. That's not the response of a pressured man. I was ready for him to say no, I was not ready for the insults and overreactions to start pouring in.

Commenter: Do you think those aunts and cousins would be down to organise something for your grandma. Nothing outrageous, but something better than a lunch alone and closer to her original vision for a weekend long party.

OOP: I would have to check with them. Mom doesn't want this getting out as to not upset grandma and to not further upset the bride to be. The problem is that we have a lot of family and friends coming from out of state, they were originally going to come for the birthday but now they're coming for the wedding, so I'm not sure how many of them could tweak their schedules and stay an additional day or two if we were to celebrate on Sunday & Monday for example.

Commenter: You just have a problem with her in general. You keep claiming it’s your brother’s wedding to yet he’s not involving you in anything either. You should have consulted both of them since you said it yourself it was both of their days.

OOP: He is involving us, by telling us how planning is going because that's apparently all he's allowed to do. He told our mom the name of the venue, the band and the chapel so she could google what it looks like because that's how little involvement we have due to the bride's decision. And I know I posted here, I know I'm not being objective with how upset I am, but when I genuinely from the bottom of my fucking heart tell you - my parents and I are not overbearing people. She lowkey tried to exclude us, we abided by it and I really didn't think a suggestion involving our grandma would result in this.

I do have a problem with her, I have a problem with the way she excluded my mom who paid $15k for the portion of the wedding, I have a problem with the way this wedding is her way or no way, I have a problem with the way my brother magically went from being enthusiastic and excited about surprising grandma to suddenly being against it. That's not compromise. If it were really their day instead of her day, there would be a compromise or at the very least, there would've been a simple "Hey OP, the cake thing doesn't really work for me and my vision. Take care, see you in a few weeks" instead of resorting to insulting me and my mother!

To a deleted comment about how long it would take:

Who the fuck mentioned two hours? One song and the 5 seconds it takes to blow out a birthday candle

YTA because you acted like it was your brother's final decision:

But I didn't act as if his agreement was the final decision. It was expected that he would run it past her. She said no, he called and said the cake thing was off. Fine, I wasn't too happy about it but I kept it to myself. I didn't argue it. She then proceeded to text me and insult me, that I did argue.

I didn't intentionally speak only to him. Should I have sent them a joint email in that moment as I'm casually talking to my mom and thinking about a silly cake thing for my grandma? It was supposed to be a casual phone call to my brother. The last time I texted her/spoke to her was March, she usually ghosts me or replies with zero interest. My brother is also my friend, it made sense to reach out to him because we actually talk and it's our grandma

OOP responds one more time to people saying she pushed too hard:

I didn't pursue it after the phone call!! When he said it wasn't happening, I didn't push back! She then texted me insulting me, and if I responded defending myself! It's like everyone is missing the fact that her saying no wouldn't be a big deal if it weren't for the massive texts that night where she insults both me and my mom

(to another): I don't think my post made it very clear that I did drop it after his phone call. He called and said the deal was off, I didn't argue with him even though I wasn't thrilled. She then proceeded to text me and I sure as hell wasn't going to let that go with the way she started insulting me and overreacted.

My original post exceeded the character limit so I'm not sure if I did a good job summarizing that part, but after he called to tell me the deal was off, I didn't argue back!

Commenter: You brought up multiple times with detail about how she excluded you from the planning and only planned with her mom. It really seems like you are very pressed about the fact that you were not involved in the planning and I'm confused by that because first, it's not your wedding and second, it sounds like your parents contributed money, not you.

OOP: I only stress that because of the nature of her texts and because people are attacking me for not coming to her first or exclusively to her. Even when I would try to show some interest for the wedding, to try and be closer to her and to show interest, she would shut me down. That's why I keep repeating it like a parrot. I don't mind that she didn't include me, I do mind that she didn't include my mom at all. We didn't go behind her back with a sleazy idea, we fully expected it to be communicated to her as it was, and she shut it down. It could've ended with that had she not proceeded with the texts.

OOP was voted NTA but comments were heavily mixed with YTA

Update Post: July 6, 2024 (almost 2 months later)

The wedding is off. After the conflict between me and my brother's former fiancée, which resulted in a phone call from my brother, I decided to text her 3 days later to apologize. Even though my family and the internet sided with me, I just didn't want any bad mojo or to be a SIL from hell. My text was met with a lot of anger on my dad's behalf, which really surprised me because the man supports me no matter what. He was telling me how I shouldn't have been the one to apologize and he let another thing slip out - end of February, the bride's dad asked my dad, in confidence, if he could pitch in additional money for his daughter's dream wedding because he didn't think it was fair he had to pay more due to tradition. My mom didn't know about this which prompted fight number one.

My dad was pissed that I was the one to apologize even though I was the one that was insulted, so he called my brother behind our backs and told him that he respects the fact that she will be his wife and his primary family, but how he also thinks he should've checked her for insulting me the same way he checked me for crossing a boundary. He then did what dads sometimes do best - go off with a monologue after keeping shit inside for months. He told him about the additional money that he gave and he told him he wasn't convinced the overlapping events were a coincidence. Fight number two ensued. My brother called our mom the next day to tell her the wedding was off, all hell broke loose.

We then couldn't get in touch with my brother or his fiancée for almost a week. Her mom then got ahold of my work email and emailed me saying I had ruined her daughter's life. I forwarded the email to my brother and he finally called me back. He said it felt like she wanted to marry for the wedding, not for the marriage. She also admitted to making her dad ask our dad for more money so she could afford a wedding flower package she wanted that was an additional $7000, and she saw nothing wrong with keeping it a secret from my brother. She also refused to at least acknowledge my apology and to apologize back to me. My brother told her he would like to postpone the wedding and work on their issues and she ended up calling off the wedding and breaking up with him.

My relationship with my brother is still a wreck, he said he needs time because he loves her but he understands she didn't prioritize him as much as he did her. Grandma's birthday bash is back on, and we're happy for her, she's excited as heck after the initial turmoil. I miss my brother so much and it sucks knowing how heartbroken he is, but at least he's talking to my parents and he has the rest of the family as his support system. I really hope we can rebuild our relationship someday. I'm glad he won't marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons, but it's awful being the trigger to his life falling apart and I regret everything.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: To the degree that you caused this chain of events--and honestly if you didn't ask about the cake, someone else would have done something that the bride considered "meddling" so I don't think you did--it's a favor to your brother in the long run. It's super painful and embarrassing to call off a wedding, but divorce is worse. He got to see something he needed to see. I hope he comes to see that soon, and I hope you know you did nothing you need to regret.

OOP: I haven't considered this perspective that, eventually, someone or something else would've probably set of a similar, if not worse, chain of events. It just really, really sucks being that person in this entire situation. The pain he's feeling is what's making me regretful, not the called off wedding per se. I don't think his former fiancée is a "bad to the bone" type of person, she just doesn't seem to be the person for him, at least not now. I also think that the wedding planning and wanting to keep up with the Joneses got to her and further exacerbated some of her character flaws, so I'm really hoping she can also heal from all of this.

Commenter: Ultimately, it sounds like this is for the best and your brother dodged a bullet. Hopefully you two can repair your relationship.

OOP: Thank you. I'll be seeing him for the first time during grandma's birthday weekend and I'm equally terrified and looking forward to it. I'm hoping we can sit down and talk, but if not, I won't pressure him. I know our family will do everything to try to cheer him up and be a solid support system

Commenter: I dont know your brother (or you) so take this for what its worth

Maybe talk about anything BUT this. Dude’s wedding just got called off mere weeks before it was set to happen, he’s probably hurt and embarrassed. So go talk about baseball or whatever, something innocuous.

OOP: That makes sense! The wedding was called of mid May, a few days after I had originally posted but the two of us haven't spoken aside from that one phone call. I do text him periodically just to check up on him, he hasn't replied to my texts but he's talking and facetiming with our parents and grandparents as well as some cousins so I know he's okay and slowly doing better. I would like to apologize to him face to face but I like the idea of keeping things lighthearted if possible so he can feel more relaxed and hopefully have some much needed fun

Commenter: Yikes on all the bikes.

Be there for your bro when he’s ready to talk — he already seems to understand the wedding was happening for all the wrong reasons as far as his ex was concerned.

OOP: Will do. I agree, our parents did try to persuade him to talk to me which I did not approve of. He needs time and the least I can do for him now is give him all the time and space required for him to recover from this

Commenter: What about the money Dad gave former fiance's Dad for the extravagant flowers? Did he get a refund?

OOP: My parents originally gave a mutually agreed upon sum of money, I think it was $15k, followed by another $7k from my dad. After the wedding was called off, my brother and his ex weren't able to get refunded for a lot of things because they signed contracts which often state deposits are non refundable or only partially refundable. Some have a cancellation policy but it has to be at least 90 days before the wedding was set to be, theirs wasn't. As far as my dad is concerned, he parted ways with that money the moment he signed those checks, however he did tell me my brother insists on paying him back. Dad is against it and he plans on regifting him that money once he decides to purchase a home.

Commenter: Why did your father and your brothers ex keep it from him that your father was pitching in more than your brother knew?

But I think your brother's right, a lot of people confuse a wedding with marriage.

OOP: My dad is an old school kinda guy. He kept it to himself because it was his understanding that neither his son or his son's fiancée knew about it and he was helping her dad out with the cost. Her dad reached out to him in confidence.

Commenter: OP you did nothing wrong. You asked a question, were told no, someone was offended wrongfully, and then you tried to apologize, again for no reason. I think you’ve been extremely kind considering. Your brother’s blame is misplaced and you shouldn’t be taking the burden.

OOP: I think he's also projecting some of the blame he's feeling onto me. He told our parents he feels guilty for forgetting about grandma's birthday in the first place and he swears that he didn't pick that wedding date on purpose, though he can't vouch for his ex because she suggested the date to him. I also know how critical he can be of himself and surely navigating this situation isn't easy for him. I feel guilty because he probably wouldn't be going through this shitshow if it weren't for me, but then again I'd also he deal with this now rather than in the future which would undoubtedly be more complicated