What Can I Do?

Hi everyone,

I was recently advised by members of r/narcissisticspouses to look into BPD as it may relate to my spouse, and I’m hoping to better understand what I should be looking at or for.

For some context, my wife struggles with depression and has frequent emotional outbursts where she can be demeaning and cruel. These are often followed by periods of sweetness and kindness. She spends a lot of time in bed and has difficulty engaging with the world. While she blames herself for being "unattractive," she rarely reflects on her actions, which has left me feeling emotionally empty in the relationship. Doctors in the past have suggested it as a possibility for her, especially since her mother has it, but she's never gone long enough to be diagnosed.

I’ve tried to manage the situation on my own, but I’m finding it increasingly difficult. Counseling doesn’t seem to be an option, as she’s unwilling to seek help for her own issues, let alone participate in couples therapy. I feel stuck because I don’t know how to help her, or myself, anymore.

I’m here because I want to learn:

How can I better understand and navigate these behaviors?

Are there strategies that have worked for others in similar situations?

Can I move past my resentment for past matters? Or is this ship just sailed?

I’d appreciate any advice, insight, or resources that you could share. I’m really just trying to make sense of things and figure out the best way forward for both of us.

I feel like I'm just spinning out over here. I want advice but I feel like it's just distracting myself from how miserable I am. I genuinely don't know what I'm doing anymore.