I know we are often painted as monsters, but what if some of it is true?

Before u freak out, please hear me out. I know none of us asked for this and I know we're all trying our best with the resources we have.

This is also not applicable to everyone so read with caution.

I'm just thinking about this topic, a bit obsessing actually, but I'm trying to think about the facts. I just split on my boyfriend and since this BPD thing is new for me, and him, we're still learning. We also haven't been together for that long, we met each other last year, end of September and made it official in December. I just found out there's a high possibility I might have BPD and am currently in the process of getting diagnosed.

So, the situation, I split on him and he started blaming himself when in reality he did nothing wrong. I just got triggered and went off. Now, I was able to realize what was happening faster than I usually do and started analyzing the situation. I'm also autistic and love analyzing stuff like that. Of course, I explained everything and apologized asap. Told him how in fact I was in the wrong from the very start and that he shouldn't be apologizing nor blaming himself.

I realized that the facts are: - I didn't catch my trigger which resulted in him blaming himself for it and apologizing. - In reality he had nothing to apologize for. - I could have prevented this by simply communicating better. - Blaming yourself for someone else's trigger is unhealthy and can quickly become a toxic situation. I've been on the other side of this. - My triggers should not be his responsibility.

And it got me thinking, had I not catched it I would've let him apologize and I would've assumed he actually did something wrong and the toxic cycle would've began. That would have made me abusive. It probably has in the past.

So I was wondering, could there be a chance I could actually become the monster most people think about BPD patients? Have I been that monster in the past? Do you guys think you've been abusive in the past? I don't know what to think about this honestly but if it happens that some of us are actually abusive or have been, I'd like to at least start understanding and accepting that (for myself)

I hope this doesn't come off wrong, and I hope u guys know I'm not assuming stuff nor trying to paint anyone in a certain light. Just need advice for myself.