I'm so tired of feeling this way

Its been 10 days of NC. 15 days of breakup.
My heart hurts so much. I did not know it could hurt like this. 

I KNOW she does not care.
I KNOW all the avoidant traits she has. All the avoidant patterns she has had during our relationship. 
I KNOW she has gone on a full withdrawal and has probably stopped feeling anything for me and the relationship.
I KNOW its done

Yet, I still wish she would just come back and message me. 
I don't know yet if I would even take her back.
I just want her to fight for the relationship, to fight for me.

That’s all I want right now. I want to know it meant something to her to want to keep fighting for it.
And I KNOW I won’t get that.
And that’s fucking heart wrenching. 

All the words we said to each other. All those moments we had. None of it matters anymore to her right now. I’m sure it doesn’t. Cause that’s what avoidants do. They close themselves off from any feelings.

What was the point of all this effort and work? Just so she could walk away. 

Why is week 3 even harder than week 2 and half of week 1. 
Why is it so much harder right now despite me knowing all her actions are just her defense mechanisms cause she does not have the emotional availability to carry more. 

Why am I the one devastated and she is not?
Make this make sense. It does not make sense.

I'm so TIRED of feeling this way.

Note - Sorry ya'll, I'm just really hurting right now. Guess its a new wave of grief and it came back stronger this time and I needed an outlet.