I fucking hate my mom

Only last few days left at my family’s and then I can move back to my uni campus. I don’t want to keep coming back here, I literally cry each time before I start coming and I have to be constantly alert to not trigger any monologues from my mom. At the same time, whenever I’m away, she tends to sulk how much she misses me. It’s dumb of my mom to constantly threaten cutting my funding, considering how the ONLY thing that still keeps us together is money. If I had my degree and wasn’t financially dependent on my parents, I would’ve cut them off the moment I moved away.

Today I skipped breakfast and around 3pm I grabbed some breaded cabbage strips that my grandma had prepared for me. My mom saw that and immediately got furious because the first thing I ate in the day was a “fatty unhealthy snack”. She told me “Let me give you a prediction. At 30 years old you’re gonna be fat and insanely sick and you have the choice to either change your lifestyle or be on pills until the rest of your life”… Because I ate cabbage strips for “breakfast”.

She’s autistic (undiagnosed) and she’s like really bad at emotional regulation. She never taught me (AuDHD) to do it either, but I managed to pick up some tips online how to manage my (and her) emotions. She tends to throw a lot of tantrums and say a lot of things she doesn’t mean - but doesn’t apologise for it either.
Like another time when I was 10, my bio dad got married and she, again, got this furious look on her face and said “Yknow, [cata], people only get married because they’re afraid their partner will leave them”. My silly 10 yo self told that to my bio dad. Years later, he managed to use that phrase against my mom once she got married to my stepdad. Then she came to me crying saying “when have I ever told you anything like that??”. That’s when I realised that she isn’t even aware of all the insults she constantly spews out. She just says them on a whim and then kinda forgets about them.

I fucking hate having to grow up with such an emotionally immature parent. If I wasn’t financially dependent on her, I would’ve told her “Let me make YOU a prediction. At 80 years old you won’t be getting any visits from any o your children because they all fucking hate you”.

I needed to get this out and I kinda want some support…